MORE USELESS ACCESSORIES FOR USELESS CREATURES

I have written about tiny dogs and dog products before.  Here’s an example, and another one, and what the hell another one too.  I am of the very firm opinion that tiny lap dogs are a race of creature that should not exist (and would not, if not for human selective breeding) because they are purely decorative, catastrophically stupid, and thus useless.  I would honestly be in favor of sterilizing every single one and snuffing out their lineage in a quick 10-20 years.

Unfortunately, I am not in charge of such things.  And even if I were, there would probably be repercussions that I have not foreseen.  Mountain lions in central Colorado would have to try harder to find food, for example, and the canine costume industry would take a huge hit.  As would the market for products like this.

dogbrella

If there’s one thing I hate more than walking around and getting wet, it’s staying dry while my poor little schnauzer gets wet!  That’s why the Dogbrella (guess why it’s called that) is great for me!  Just listen to these quotes from the website!

enabling canine and master to maintain a walking regimen in inclement weather

Isn’t that delightful?  You see, before when my dog didn’t want to go for a walk in the rain (that totally happens), I’d just drag the little fucker out there anyway because fuck him, he’s a dog.  Now, though, I can keep Mr. Snugglesworth dry while simultaneously not doing the same for myself!  Hooray!

Not only does the umbrella eliminate the excuse “it’s too wet for a walk” from a dog owner’s lexicon (to the delight of most canines and the amusement of most spouses)

Even better!  You see, when I say that it’s too wet to walk outside, I’m definitely referring to Sergeant Pudding McFluffybottom’s particular tastes in weather, and not, say, my comfort or desire not to have hypothermia.  Now that he can stay dry though, forget about me!  Seriously, my wife has actually forgotten about me.  Don’t worry honey, it may be 35 degrees and raining outside, and I don’t have a free hand for my own umbrella what with the little angel’s shit bag in one hand and his royal canopy in another, but at least he won’t smell funny, godforbid!  Joy upon joys!

But let’s get serious.  That thing is retarded, and that’s why it’s on Hammacher Schlemmer.  Having a dog on a 4-foot leash is stupid, it’s going to run the umbrella into things, it’s abundantly apparent that you won’t be able to walk without running your shins into it, and also to hell with the little snot, HE’S A GODDAMN DOG.

Also he's dead inside.  Look at those eyes.

Also he’s dead inside. Look at those eyes.

My dog fetches the newspaper in two feet of snow when it’s twenty below out, and she’s fucking delighted to do so.

Yours for only $30.

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