Before I dive in, I want to get some things out of the way. First, Tom Brady is a beautiful man, or so I'm told. And you know what? I can see it. Look at him. He looks like he's paralyzed from the neck down, and Gisele just flopped him down on the couch, but... Continue Reading →
Have you missed me? Trick question; I know you've missed me. Frankly, the main reason I haven't been writing is laziness. I make no bones about it. The second reason is that I got hit by a car in April and broke four bones in my hand, and the third is that I had a... Continue Reading →
I know what you're thinking, and what you're thinking is, "What the fuck are you talking about? How did that even come into your head?" In my defense, he started it. For those out of the loop, that's former NFL running back Arian Foster — an incredibly athletic and powerful man, to be fair —... Continue Reading →
It's over. The oath has been taken, the barrier fences will soon be broken down and put in storage, and the police will go back to their normal shifts. There are no more appeals, no more recounts, no more renegade electors who might swoop in at the 11th hour and change this whole thing. As... Continue Reading →
In the last year, I have made ten trips that required air travel. I have flown something like 100,000 miles and spent roughly the entirety of my adult life in layovers. If I had kids, I would have forgotten what they looked like. I am registered to vote in The Sky because I spend more... Continue Reading →
On January 5, 2011, I wrote the following: “Designer” is a dangerous term, because it usually means some crazy person with ridiculous ideas who then makes CAD drawings or actual mock-ups of his crazy ideas and yet, for some goddamn reason, I appear to be the only person to notice that said idea is crazy.... Continue Reading →
The idea of solar roadways has been around for a while, and I haven't said anything about it because I thought it was self-evident how stupid it was. I was wrong. The Indiegogo page raised $2.2 million and recently, prototypes have been built, to much applause from the environmentally-minded. So now, instead of just being a... Continue Reading →
Last week, I went to see Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice. It is not a good movie. The first two hours and fifteen minutes are a series of disjointed scenes, at least four or five dream sequences, total non-sequiturs, and forced conflicts. The movie is called Batman v Superman, but there's really no good... Continue Reading →
As you probably know, the Super Bowl is next week. This is the part where those of you that didn't know that scroll all the way to the bottom of this post to explain to me that you don't care about football, and how it's VERY IMPORTANT TO YOU that I know that you don't care about... Continue Reading →
On January 7, the New England Patriots released a "hype video," as they called it, themed around the trailer for Star Wars: The Force Awakens. The idea is to get Pats fans pumped up for the playoffs, as though Pats fans didn't already exist in a perpetual state of slavering, feverish idol-worship toward their team... Continue Reading →
NOTE: In case you weren't tipped off by the title, this post has a lot of sex words in it. I say "dick" eight times, "penis" four times, and "pussy" twice, in addition to my usual swearing. If you don't like sex words, read something else. Earlier this week, I came across an article entitled... Continue Reading →
So like a month ago (because I am lazy and haven't gotten around to writing this), the Supreme Court ruled that gay marriage is legal nationwide because any laws preventing it are inherently unconstitutional under the 14th Amendment, which guarantees equal protection under the law to everyone. Liberals applauded the move because duh, and conservatives... Continue Reading →
Ever been to the website Elite Daily? If you haven't, don't bother. Home of such journalistic masterpieces as "Zayn Malik Isn't Worried About Leaving One Direction Because His Fiance Is Hot As F*ck" and "Man Given 18 Months To Live Says Cannabis Oil Cured His Cancer," it's a long-running stream of feel-good drivel that's generally... Continue Reading →
First things first: I know this song came out a long time ago. I'd love to tell you that the reason I have taken this long to address it is that I wanted to be very careful and deliberate about how I broke down exactly what is wrong with the song and its message. Unfortunately,... Continue Reading →
This has come up before and never gotten a ton of mainstream attention, but I saw it again and thought I'd address it. WHAT IS IT? Breaking news: the Sun is really freaking bright. Like you cannot believe. In ideal conditions, the Sun is shining roughly 1050 watts on each and every square meter of ground.... Continue Reading →
