Last week, I went to see Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice. It is not a good movie. The first two hours and fifteen minutes are a series of disjointed scenes, at least four or five dream sequences, total non-sequiturs, and forced conflicts. The movie is called Batman v Superman, but there's really no good... Continue Reading →
On January 7, the New England Patriots released a "hype video," as they called it, themed around the trailer for Star Wars: The Force Awakens. The idea is to get Pats fans pumped up for the playoffs, as though Pats fans didn't already exist in a perpetual state of slavering, feverish idol-worship toward their team... Continue Reading →
First things first: I know this song came out a long time ago. I'd love to tell you that the reason I have taken this long to address it is that I wanted to be very careful and deliberate about how I broke down exactly what is wrong with the song and its message. Unfortunately,... Continue Reading →
I have long held a theory about cats: for all their potential for grace, power, stealth, and general elegance, they sometimes genuinely do not have any control over their own bodies. Case in point: It's possible that this cat was playing G.I. Joe and wanted to do a combat roll off the couch, but that's... Continue Reading →
If you've never seen Vertical Limit, good for you. If you've never even heard of it, even better. It came out in 2000 and somehow made $215 million on a budget of just $75 million, despite being a train wreck of scarcely believable proportions. It is, without a doubt, the worst climbing movie ever made,... Continue Reading →
"Baby" by Justin Bieber is the most watched video on Youtube. It's been seen close to 700 million times for a collective watching time that would make you sad, so you can do the math yourself because I'm not telling you. It has garnered over seven million comments, and even if you think Justin Bieber's... Continue Reading →
First, I should note something. For the purpose of this article, I'm going to assume that the main female character in everyone of Carrie Underwood's songs is her, and that all of the things they (she) go (goes) through actually happened to her. I'm doing this for two reasons: first, because she actually is that... Continue Reading →
So you all know who Justin Bieber is. That's a statement of fact, because everyone knows who he is, because for some goddamn reason his "Baby" video is the most viewed thing of all time. OF ALL TIME! That video right there has been viewed four hundred and fifty-six million motherfucking times. That's by far the... Continue Reading →
On November 10, 2009, Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 was released. Twenty-four hours later, Activision had sold 4.6 million copies for $310,000,000. That's not video game money, that's box office money. That is, in fact, more money than any movie has made in its opening weekend ever, by a huge margin. Now, a little... Continue Reading →
