WHY ARIAN FOSTER CAN’T FIGHT A WOLF

I know what you're thinking, and what you're thinking is, "What the fuck are you talking about? How did that even come into your head?" In my defense, he started it. For those out of the loop, that's former NFL running back Arian Foster — an incredibly athletic and powerful man, to be fair —... Continue Reading →

NO ONE CARES THAT YOU’RE SAD

It's over. The oath has been taken, the barrier fences will soon be broken down and put in storage, and the police will go back to their normal shifts. There are no more appeals, no more recounts, no more renegade electors who might swoop in at the 11th hour and change this whole thing. As... Continue Reading →

13 NEW RULES FOR AIR TRAVEL

In the last year, I have made ten trips that required air travel. I have flown something like 100,000 miles and spent roughly the entirety of my adult life in layovers. If I had kids, I would have forgotten what they looked like. I am registered to vote in The Sky because I spend more... Continue Reading →

4 REASONS SOLAR ROADWAYS ARE FUCKING STUPID

The idea of solar roadways has been around for a while, and I haven't said anything about it because I thought it was self-evident how stupid it was. I was wrong. The Indiegogo page raised $2.2 million and recently, prototypes have been built, to much applause from the environmentally-minded. So now, instead of just being a... Continue Reading →

LET’S TALK ABOUT BLOWJOBS

NOTE: In case you weren't tipped off by the title, this post has a lot of sex words in it. I say "dick" eight times, "penis" four times, and "pussy" twice, in addition to my usual swearing. If you don't like sex words, read something else. Earlier this week, I came across an article entitled... Continue Reading →

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