Doubtless there are some among you who are already mad at me for being so rude to this innocent woman in my title. First of all, it's paraphrased from the atrocious article on which I based this post, and secondly, get over it. She deserves it. You'll see. Earlier this week, a friend of mine... Continue Reading →
THE TRANSPARENT TOASTER
A little over 18 months ago, this baffling object popped up on Memebase, well known for contributing nothing of value to the Internet ever. The caption that they gave for this is "How is this not on shelves?! Toast-making would be epic." Let's ignore the crushing sadness that fills my heart at the idea that... Continue Reading →
18 REASONS WHY I AM WRONG: A RESPONSE
Two weeks ago, in my triumphant return to writing, as I am determined to keep calling it, I wrote a piece called Six Reasons You Shouldn't Take Dietary Advice From Cavemen. It was on my blog and I posted it to the Facebook page, anticipating the usual 300 or so pageviews. Then the post hit /r/paleo,... Continue Reading →
SIX REASONS YOU SHOULDN’T TAKE DIETARY ADVICE FROM CAVEMEN
EDIT: I've written a followup to this post here. Today, to kick off my triumphant return to writing, we're going to talk about the so-called "paleo" diet. At least four people I know have "gone paleo," as they annoyingly insist on calling the decision to eat this particular way. It's all very new-age and exciting, like... Continue Reading →
PIZZA ≠ VEGETABLE
Back in November, Congress declared that pizza was a vegetable in a funding bill that addressed subsidization of school lunches. A rider to the bill stipulated that ice cream counts as a calcium supplement and that a jar of bacon fat is now defined as a protein shake. At least I think that's what happened.... Continue Reading →
THE SEEDS OF JESUS. IN YOUR MOUTH.
I would like you to look at this product and tell me what it looks like to you. Ready? Did you say that it's candy corn? You silly, irreverent, blasphemous idiot. Those right there are harvest seeds. Wait, what? Yes. Allow me to enlighten you. Rebekah Kuschmider of the Washington Times found that out recently... Continue Reading →
IN WHICH SOMEONE GETS VERY UPSET OVER A CHOCOLATE PENIS
This is Elizabeth McClure. She is approximately as little fun to be around as a person can be. Now I haven't met Elizabeth, so I'm just guessing, but here's why. In June, Elizabeth was eating her usual Cadbury's Nibbles, a delightful chocolatey treat, when she came across something that stopped her dead in her chocolate-eating,... Continue Reading →
PETA: PURVEYORS OF EXCESSIVE TITS AND ASSES
You remember PETA, yes? They're the subjects of probably the angriest two posts I've written in almost two years of running this blog. I called them the most vicious hypocrisy since the Catholic Church, and I stand by that. If you want to read those two posts, here's part 1 and part 2. Anyway, in... Continue Reading →
NUMBER ONE THREAT TO AMERICA: MORE COFFEE
Earlier this month, Starbucks released the Trenta in stores across the country. The Trenta is a 31-ounce cup of coffee, only for use in their iced drinks. They've been testing it since last January, and apparently it's doing well enough to implement. The main objection that most people seem to have, and I do not... Continue Reading →
THREE PRODUCTS TO ANNOUNCE TO THE WORLD THAT YOU’VE GIVEN UP
You're getting older. Gone are the gallivanting days of being single, the one night stands, the keg stands, the ability to take 15 shots in a night and still function the next day. Gone is the six-pack that you could maintain on a diet of frozen pizza and Snickers bars, gone is your full head... Continue Reading →
THE MOST VICIOUS HYPOCRISY SINCE THE CATHOLIC CHURCH (PART TWO)
So when we left off, PETA was so ferociously anti-cruelty that they had stopped paying any attention to what that actually means. Here's a few basic points that I started to touch on last time. If you want to keep animals from suffering, you first have to define "suffering," and that has not been done.... Continue Reading →
THE MOST VICIOUS HYPOCRISY SINCE THE CATHOLIC CHURCH (PART ONE)
I assume you've heard of PETA, right? People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals? Well this one's been brewing for a while. I used to think that they were overreactive, irritating neo-liberals with stupid ad campaigns and a seriously illogical fervor for animal rights. Turns out they're far more evil than that, so hold on... Continue Reading →
