I’m said it before and I’ll say it again: everyone who calls themselves a designer is a goddamn idiot. Check my “design” tag for more examples. Basically, any dumbass with CAD software can throw together a concept of whatever deranged car or train or rocketship or whatever and then there will inevitably be a few sites that rave about how ingenious it is because none of them has stopped to think for one fucking second. And then I feel compelled to ruin it. It’s kind of my thing.
Today’s thing that needs to be ruined is the Tesla Cyber6 Lunar Rover.
That’s not its official name because it isn’t real, but it’ll get me the most SEO clicks in this article so fuck it, that’s what it’s called. Here’s what a few other articles are saying about it:
Dubbed the Cyber6, Tesla’s opinion-splitting creation has been reimagined as a moon rover, now sitting on six wheels for greater maneuverability on a treacherous terrain.Hypebeast
Instagram user Charlie Automotive rendered a pretty magnificent Cybertruck SpaceX-NASA lunar rover with three axles for a total of six wheels and it looks properly cool.CNET
In Charlie Automotive’s rendering the Cybertruck was used as the basis for an otherwise redesigned vehicle that really does look ready for the near-vacuum of the lunar surface.Maxim
This six-wheeled Tesla Cybertruck moon rover is oh-so cool. It just looks so fitting on the lunar surface, with its weird wheels, satellite dish in the bed and subtle SpaceX and U.S. flag stickers.InsideEVs
Let’s talk about how dumb this is, shall we?
Previous Lunar Rovers
This will be a very short section. The Lunokhod 1 was a Soviet unmanned rover that puttered around for a little shy of a year. The Lunokhod 2 was also a Soviet unmanned rover that puttered around for about five months. The Yutu was a Chinese unmanned rover that lasted almost three years, which is very impressive.
The only one that’s ever held a person is the Lunar Roving Vehicle, which was brought up by the Apollo 15 mission and used on three different Apollo missions.
Why the Cybertruck Would Suck At This
Let’s compare those two vehicles again, shall we?
Notice anything about the Cybertruck? I’ll give you a hint: it’s fucking colossal. It’s longer, wider, and taller than the LRV, but most importantly, the Cybertruck weighs sixty-five hundred pounds. That’s fourteen times the weight of the actual LRV. And that’s what the normal one weighs, not the one that has six wheels for no reason.
Seriously, why does it have six wheels? One article says “for greater maneuverability on a treacherous terrain,” which is dumb as fuck. Here are some pictures of the “treacherous terrain” of the moon:
If you look closely, you’ll notice that the Moon is very flat and boring. You don’t need a massive lifted truck, you need a dune buggy. Which is why NASA, the group of very smart people that already went to the moon, brought a dune buggy.
Why Is It Pressurized?
Not only does the moon buggy not have six wheels because they’re grossly unnecessary, it also doesn’t have windows. Why not? Because astronauts sleep in the lander, then put on pressurized suits to get out of the lander. Why would you pressurize a rover if you’re already in a suit?
I’ll also point out that pressurizing the rover involves…you know, pressure. Those windows will have to be heavily enforced to hold the pressure, and that means they’ll have to be heavy, and that’s why the Cybertruck already weighs the same as a literal hippopotamus.
What’s With Those Goddamn Wheels?
Here’s what Hypebeast says about the wheels:
Most innovative of all are the tires, which swap out the conventional air-filled rubbers with individual pod-like traction systems that can be easily repaired on the go, simply by replacing the faulty ones.
I have no idea how they got this information out of a few Instagram posts, but I’ll run with it. First of all, no one has ever suggested using “conventional air-filled rubbers” on the Moon because of fucking course not. Here’s some space wheels:
You’ll notice that they’re all made of metal. Some are mesh, some have metal louvers, the Curiosity rover’s wheels on the bottom are just aluminum cylinders made of very thin metal (hence the gaping holes). No one has tried to use tires and no one has made a weird fucking modular pod wheel that is just begging for rocks to get jammed in it.
The Icing on the Cake
Up to now, you might be thinking I’m just writing this to procrastinate from doing actual work, which is true. Who cares about all these little foibles, you ask? The guys are Charlie Automotive are just having a little fun with a big silly truck. Here’s how I know they’re actually dribbling psychopaths:
The caption on Instagram says “💧So… is there liquid or ice water on the moon?💧”
Which…no. There is not. There likely never has been. There is a minuscule amount of ice on the moon, but there is absolutely no reason to render this truck in a fucking lake.
This is just craziness and it makes me angry when no one else points out how dumb it is. One article even said the tires would be great for “fording streams.” So, since no one else will just sack up and say “this looks neat but it’s moronic,” I have to do it for you. You’re welcome.