The Antistupid: Small Dogs Are Bitches

I saw this photo today courtesy of The Consumerist (a blog that catalogs the trials and tribulations of being a consumer in a world that doesn’t care about you). This is on the outside of a post office. The blue sign says NO PETS ALLOWED EXCEPT THOSE ASSISTING BLIND PERSONS, but apparently Jeffrey thinks he is above the law. For the handwriting-challenged among you, the sign says

and for that idiot Jeffrey from up the street who throws hissy fits every time he has to leave his dog outside for a second. Jeff, your dog is 1/2 the size of the average rat. If you bring his squealing whiny butt inside the post office again, we’re calling pest control. Get a life!! XO

I love this person. I want to find them and shake their hand. Finally a public endorsement (on a government building) of the terminology “mailbox dog”. For those of you that haven’t stalked me on Urban Dictionary recently, “mailbox dog” is based on the opinion that any dog small enough to fit in a mailbox should be classified as a rodent and sold in pet stores as snake food. Some of the people reading this may have small dogs, in which case I’m not sorry. I also refer to such dogs as puntables, for obvious reasons. If you think that’s terrible, try fighting one off of your leg while biking to work every fucking day for a whole summer. I have scars. He has several less brain cells. We’re even.

This leads me to my theory about small dogs. We all know the various breeds of dogs are really all the same species, canis domesticus. If you didn’t know that, now you can sound smart at parties. The distinct breeds came from people selectively breeding various traits to enhance them, like intelligence for border collies, short legs for terriers (party fact 2: terriers are bred to be able to run down rabbit burrows and flush them out), long hair for snow dogs like Pyrenees and Saint Bernards, lankiness for speed in Whippets, Greyhounds, and Heelers. That’s all well and good. The problem is that lap dogs (Chihuahua, Shi Tzu, Pekingese, Yorkshire Terrier, and anything with “miniature” or “toy” or *gag* “teacup” in the title) are bred to be small, pretty, and stupid. That’s right, intentionally stupid. Turns out it makes them seem friendlier, when really they have no fucking clue what’s going on. It also makes them go apeshit about anything and everything, like these charming specimens in the photo. Not so cute now, are they? The one on the left is barking because it’s dark or something, and the one on the right is looking in entirely the wrong direction because its brain is serving only to keep its head from caving in. Now, here’s the theory. Since puntables are bred to be stupid, they are all stupid. Do not dispute me. Since they are all stupid, any offspring of theirs can only become a more distilled form of stupid. Since they are also inbred, each successive generation of puntables is stupider and more useless than the last. My hope is that, eventually, the stupidity will reach a critical point and one of two things will happen. Either these breeds of dogs will be born so stupid that they are essentially catatonic and unable to hump anything and the breed will die out, or they will be stupid enough that even the people who currently love them so much (stupid people) will no longer be able to tolerate them and will instead opt for a lovable, playful, friendly dog that does what you tell it to and doesn’t shit itself every time you get home. There are tons of them. I have one. Most of my friends with dogs have them. Stop enabling these goddamn rats and get a real dog.

That is all.