How To Ruin An Already Worthless Animal

Just . . . just fucking kill it.

Honestly, I thought for a moment about just putting the photo with no caption on this post, and letting you cry yourselves to sleep without further input.  Then I read the description.

Satisfying a mutual desire for companionship, this high chair permits your dog or cat to accompany you at the dinner table.

That is a giant mistake.  Do not do that.  Your dog does not deserve to eat with you, and why?

Because he’s a dog.  I’ll allow SNL to clarify that viewpoint further.

I don’t care what PETA or the trustafarian in your bioethics class say, dogs are not people.  They are descended from wild dogs and wolves, and were domesticated 10,000 years ago.  Most of them still retain some sense of pack mentality, which means they function best in a hierarchy, which means they want to be told what to do.  The only ones that don’t are too stupid to actually comprehend such a system (example: the panting void in the photo), and they’re pathetic and should be kicked very very hard and often.

Cats can actually be forgiven for their antisocial tendencies because it’s in their genes.  They weren’t domesticated for a very long time after dogs because they have no pack mentality at all; they’re individual hunters and don’t have any sense of social networks.  That aloofness that they do isn’t a sense of superiority, it’s closer to autism.  Regardless, they’re not going to stay in the damn chair.

By providing an alternative to sitting on your lap, running disruptively underfoot, or outright banishment, the chair assuages a pet (and its owner’s) frustration, and promotes more refined behavior.

Aww, is your little punkin frustrated by the fact that you’re not snuggling with it?  Who fucking cares?  Banishment from the dinner table is the correct option for an animal, and sitting in a little chair is not how you create refined behavior.  You want to know the most efficient way to train a dog?  When it’s little and pees somewhere it’s not supposed to, twist its ear hard and say “no.”  From then on, it will do what you say, and gladly, because it knows what “no” means.  Done.

How do I know that anything that sits in this chair isn’t refined?  Two things:

1) Two tethers on the chair protect your dinner guests against any lapses in etiquette.

Look back at the photo.  Now that you know, it’s hard not to see, but the little rat-faced freak is strapped in.  On both sides.

And finally,

2) For pets up to 10 lbs.

I’m going to go out on a limb and say that there has never been a dog under ten pounds that had a functional level of intelligence or discipline, ever.  I would love to see exceptions, but it’s well established that brain size does have something to do with intelligence, and I just don’t think it’ll happen.

Buy real dogs.

8 thoughts on “How To Ruin An Already Worthless Animal

  1. JohnnyKickaholeinthesky says:

    Nice recent posts. I think you'll also enjoy this if you haven't seen it already. Enjoy!

    http://www.hulu.com/watch/4102/saturday-night-live-dissing-your-dog

  2. Anonymous says:

    Oh I can think of a use for it… It would have nothing to do with hitching little snuggle muffin up to the dinner table though…

  3. I do not see what other use you could possibly have conceived for this thing. Tell me more.

  4. Anonymous says:

    My grandmother has a monstrous little yorkie. She never disciplined it when it was small so it is a bloody nightmare now that I am stuck taking care of it all of the time. Brushing the little rat is the worst, it wiggles and bites and claws at me the whole time. The worst of it is that she has eye problems and I have to clean her tear ducts quite often, not an easy task when she is wriggling out of my hands like a fish. Something like this would be very helpful with holding it in place while I groom her's face.
    (I will admit that when I first wrote the reply I was thinking more along the lines of 'stick dog in stupid high chair, stick higher chair in garage, profit' but on reflection I realized that there was a legitimate use for the thing.)

  5. I very much like the idea of hanging it from a rafter somewhere. I guess strapping the rodent down so that you can clean its face is somewhat legitimate, but what you're doing there is addressing a problem that could be solved by A: disciplining the fucking thing (my dog, for example, knows the phrase “hold still” and will obey it perfectly) or B: not buying a Yorkie. Maybe if you were a dogsitter, or ran a kennel, and had to deal with other people's dogs all the time (like you seem to), then it could be helpful. That said, its intended use is to pamper the waste of brain cells—though not very many—that is a small dog, and that's not ok.

  6. Anonymous says:

    I agree.
    I have tried to discipline the dog but it is pointless since the second it goes back to my grandmothers house she starts to coddle the little thing all over again and all of the good habits I have trained in go right out the window. I have been secretly hoping that it runs away and that we never find it…
    (and believe me, I tried to convince her to get some other breed… But I was ignored since yorkies are 'just to darn cute')

  7. […] have written about tiny dogs and dog products before.  Here’s an example, and another one, and what the hell another one too.  I am of the very firm opinion that tiny lap […]

  8. Anonymous says:

    I usually agree with you on different things, but this isn’t it. Call me a bleeding heart if you want to, but here goes:
    My little dog was 10lbs (not fitting into the “under category” but anyways)
    However, she was a smart lil thing. J. Russel Terrier, bred to run fast once she hit the ground. She would run around the woods all the time and rarely came back with major wounds (e.g. teeth marks) and the only time she had truly been near death (without the dying part) was when she was mauled by a dog literally 3-4 times her size. No, we didn’t let her eat at the table with us (but me and my sibling would throw her a chicken scrap or two).
    She wasn’t stupid in the slightest, just ornery as hell. Dogs can be intelligent in the emotional sense (which, like Maddox, you tend to disregard as far as I know) but I’m bad at phrasing different things so let me take 5 years to find the right words. I don’t know why you would really say to kick any animal or call it stupid (save for some exceptions in breeds) unless that’s just your view, and while I find it very rock-solid-ice cold, that’s your view and I’m 99% sure I wouldn’t be able to change it, but anyways:
    yes that chair thing is absolutely stupid

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