19 REASONS THIS “SURVIVAL” STORY SMELLS FISHY
Have you missed me? Trick question; I know you’ve missed me. Frankly, the main reason I haven’t been writing is laziness. I make no bones about it. The second reason…
Category: Stupid People
13 STUPID PEOPLE SAY STUPID THINGS ABOUT GAY MARRIAGE
So like a month ago (because I am lazy and haven’t gotten around to writing this), the Supreme Court ruled that gay marriage is legal nationwide because any laws preventing…
I WATCHED “VERTICAL LIMIT” (AGAIN) SO YOU DON’T HAVE TO
If you’ve never seen Vertical Limit, good for you. If you’ve never even heard of it, even better. It came out in 2000 and somehow made $215 million on a…
CAROLE R. DAVIS NEEDS TO SHUT THE FUCK UP
Doubtless there are some among you who are already mad at me for being so rude to this innocent woman in my title. First of all, it’s paraphrased from the…
COSMO’S GUIDE TO THE SUPER BOWL (FOR LADIES)
Hello ladies! As you may know, if a man in your life has informed you or you overheard it somewhere, this Sunday is the Super Bowl. That’s when two football…
THAT’S NO SQUID…
So apparently I missed out on this, because none of my friends are stupid enough to believe it, but there’s an image that’s been making the rounds on social media,…
18 REASONS WHY I AM WRONG: A RESPONSE
Two weeks ago, in my triumphant return to writing, as I am determined to keep calling it, I wrote a piece called Six Reasons You Shouldn’t Take Dietary Advice From Cavemen.…
18 COMMENTS ON SCIENCE THAT MAKE ME SAD
You’ve all heard of Richard Branson, right? He started Virgin Records from the crypt of a church when he was a teenager and now he’s a multi-billionaire. He also owns…
GO AND BE SKINNY SOMEWHERE ELSE
I go to the gym a lot. When I say “gym,” I mean a climbing gym because that’s more awesome than what you mean by “gym.” Regardless of where you…
HOW ABOUT YOU LEARN HOW THE GODDAMN CAMERA WORKS FIRST?
Recently, I found yet another article with a title in the form of a question. Here’s a hint for all you people that read things on the internet: if someone…
MORE LIKE UNIVERSAL SATAN BUS…
Back in October, a group of evangelical Christians in Brazil called the Paz do Senhor Amado (Peace of the Beloved Lord) banned the use of USB connections because they’re Satanic. And…
SUCH LEVELS OF INCOMPETENCE I HAVE SCARCE WITNESSED
This one time, and by this one time I mean Monday, April 11, 2011, I wrote a piece about how Joshua Kors has roughly the same computer literacy as a…
THINK JESUS PREACHED LOVE? THINK AGAIN.
I want to start with a word. It’s a simple word; it’s only four letters long and not at all difficult to pronounce. It’s anatomical in origin, it’s almost 800…
ATTENTION FACEBOOK VIGILANTES: SHUT THE FUCK UP
Recently a friend of mine posted this on his Facebook wall. All I did was blank out the names. “Wow,” I thought to myself, “those are both perfectly reasonable reactions…
IN WHICH SOMEONE GETS VERY UPSET OVER A CHOCOLATE PENIS
This is Elizabeth McClure. She is approximately as little fun to be around as a person can be. Now I haven’t met Elizabeth, so I’m just guessing, but here’s why.…
Unreasonably Dangerous Onion Rings 