BREAKING DOWN THE STUPIDEST CHRISTMAS AD ON TV

I don’t watch a lot of TV with ads. Either I stream stuff or I pirate it. Except for live sports. I watch a lot of live sports, and the cool thing about that is that when a company pays for an ad spot during sports, they get their fucking money’s worth.

The same ad will get run during every commercial break, all day long, during every NFL game, for all 18 weeks of the season, for year after year. Some rough math means that I’ve seen the ad we’re about to talk about roughly one trillion times, and I can still confidently say it’s the stupidest ad I’ve ever seen.

Read more: BREAKING DOWN THE STUPIDEST CHRISTMAS AD ON TV

We open on a beautiful couple in the woods. You can tell it’s cold because of the snow around, but not too cold because the guy is wearing a light jacket, no gloves, and no hat.

He turns to his hot…wife? Fiancee at least. She has a ring. And says “I have something for you,” then whistles in that COOL GUY WAY.

Lo! A puppy appears, bounding through the snow toward the hotwife, whereupon she scoops up the puppy in her arms with glee.

Already there are concerns. How long has the puppy been out here? Did the man just leave him in the woods and then go get his wife later? If not, did someone else bring the puppy along and then lie in wait behind those trees until he heard the whistle? How long has that guy been there? No matter, hotwife can do you one better.

She gives him this look and says “I have something for you too,” then ALSO whistles in the cool guy way. See? She wasn’t just eye candy after all!

A COLOSSAL FUCKING PICKUP TRUCK comes bounding out of the trees, just like the puppy did! Do you see how it all connects?

The man hugs the truck because he is a dipshit and then we hear about the Christmas deals you can get on a GMC truck.

Only one thing: where did this fucking truck come from? All the same questions about the puppy apply to the truck. Was it waiting there? For how long? Did hotwife put it there and then plan to come back later, and her plan happened to bring them to the same place that her husband stashed a puppy? Did they use the same guy to bring both up there?

Also, last I checked, trucks don’t respond to whistling. Who is driving the fucking truck? Where does that guy go when the husband takes delivery? Do they give him a ride home out of the woods?

And finally, remember how I told you that he hugs the truck like a dipshit?

Where did that streetlamp come from? They look like they’re in the middle of the woods, but that’s the kind of streetlamp that graces idyllic pedestrian malls in little ski towns. Where are they? Is this just a parking lot somewhere? If so, why did the truck and puppy have to crash through three feet of snow?

This commercial has been running for at least three years and it’s the stupidest premise I’ve ever seen, even using the very low bar I have for TV commercials and the even lower one I have for Christmas commercials. It will never go away and I hate it.

Merry Christmas.

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