1. Urine, Donuts, and Fellatio
This is Shantell Ishem.
She’s 27 and she’s from Oklahoma. She stole a donut from a car. Now when I get a donut, I know the first thing I want to do is pee in a parking lot, which is exactly what Shantell did. We have so much in common. At that point, the owner of the car from whence the donut came “desired prosecution for the theft of his donut” and the owner of the store outside which the aforementioned urination took place also wanted prosecution for the urination incident, so the cops got involved.
After being told that she was under arrest for trespassing, vehicle burglary, and indecent exposure, Ishem said she understood. She then noted that she was “sitting on [her] money maker,” and according to the police report, “became explicit and said that she would ‘speak into the microphone’ and other such metaphors for fellatio.”
Enchanted by that scowl and the sensuous smell of urine, the cops . . . well, they arrested her and put her in jail. So that’s fun.
2. Drinking and Driving: Fun For The Whole Family
Our next guest is Misty McCollister.
Misty is from Nevada, and she’s a recovering alcoholic. Apparently the recovery process is not going well, because she went on a weekend-long bender a little while ago. She was hanging out with a friend who drove himself home in her car, leaving her stranded in his driveway shitfaced. Oh, and also her two kids, ages twelve and seven, were in the car the whole time.
Naturally, she decided to put the twelve-year-old in her lap and let him drive. They were stopped a few blocks from home when a cop saw them weaving, at which point McCollister blew a .299 BAC, which is roughly 37 billion times the legal limit. Totally not exaggerating. McCollister faces five years in prison and a $10,000 fine, but she’ll probably get off ok. Except the judge called her “evil” to her face, so maybe not.
3. I Think Your Head Bruised The Bottom Of My Foot
Meet Tim Profitt, Rand Paul employee and all-around good guy. He’s at the other end of this foot.
Now, that woman underneath his foot is a MoveOn activist who objects to some of Rand Paul’s policies. Maybe it’s the fact that he’s opposed to abortion in cases of rape and incest, maybe it’s the whole wanting-to-abolish-the-Department-of-Education thing, maybe it’s the electric fence on the southern border or his opposition to gun control of any kind, but whatever it is, Lauren Valle didn’t take too kindly to Rand, so she showed up to protest his rally, at which point Tim decided the best course of action was to curb stomp her like Edward Norton in American History X.
Now, after he’s had time to cool down a little, he’s decided to apologize. No wait, I read that wrong. He’s asking her to apologize because, and I quote, “I think when the facts all come out, I think people will see that she was the one who initiated the whole thing.” Yes, a man in his mid-to-late crazies is actually using the “she started it” excuse because “she’s a professional at what she does” (unpaid sign-holding).
Oh and also, he’s blaming the incident on his back pain. Yes. Really.
4. Because Who Needs Tolerance When You’re A Catastrophic Asshole?
Clint McCance is a school board member in northern Arkansas.
Apparently Clint forgot that a) Facebook is public and b) not everyone is a dickhole, because when the call went out on Facebook to wear purple in support of abused gay teens, he posted the following message:
“Seriously they want me to wear purple because five queers killed themselves. The only way im wearin it for them is if they all commit suicide. I cant believe the people of this world have gotten this stupid. We are honoring the fact that they sinned and killed thereselves because of their sin. REALLY PEOPLE.”
Oh boy. Remember when Christians say that they want gays to turn straight because they love them (as does Jesus) and don’t want them to go to hell? That’s what that love sounds like. After someone called him out with the comment “because hatred is always right,” McCance saw the error of his ways and responded with this:
“No because being a fag doesn’t give you the right to ruin the rest of our lives. If you get easily offended by being called a fag then dont tell anyone you are a fag. Keep that shit to yourself. I dont care how people decide to live their lives. They dont bother me if they keep it to thereselves. It pisses me off though that we make a special purple fag day for them. I like that fags cant procreate. I also enjoy the fact that they often give each other aids and die. If you arent against it, you might as well be for it.”
Can you believe that? That’s the second time he’s used the word “thereselves.” Oh, and also WHAT THE FUCK? Wearing purple would ruin your life? Jesus would be proud. And it’s not over.
“I would disown my kids they were gay. They will not be welcome at my home or in my vicinity. I will absolutely run them off. Of course my kids will know better. My kids will have solid christian beliefs. See it infects everyone.”
This I don’t get. Christians seem so dogmatically opposed to homosexuality, and it seems like a pretty important foundation of their lives, and yet they act as though the mere whiff of homosexuals in the world will turn their kids into Elton John. Anyway, Clint has now resigned. So presumably he’ll have lots of time to spend on Facebook. Goody.
5. Farmville Is In Fact That Important
Our second-to-worst person is Alexandra V. Tobias, age 22, from Jacksonville, FL. She had a three-month-old baby. I say “had,” of course, because she doesn’t any more.
See, what happened is that Alexandra, being a responsible mother of my age, was playing Farmville. Lots of people do that, no big deal. But then Dylan Edmondson, the teeny little baby, started crying, and that’s just not ok.
Alexandra shook him. You’re not supposed to do that. Like it’s super frowned upon. Then she stopped, had a cigarette to calm herself, and oh hey, SHOOK HIM SOME MORE.
It’s also believed that he “may have hit his head during the shaking.” Dylan’s death was classified as a second-degree murder and Alexandra may get a life sentence in prison. But it’s cool, I hear they like child-killers in there.
6. What…I Can’t…Even…
This is Kathleen Edward. She’s seven years old.
Her mother died of Huntington’s disease at the age of 24. Huntington’s disease normally shows up in middle age, which will be great consolation to Kathleen since she has it already at the age of fucking seven. Now, across the street from them lives Jennifer Petkov, who’s been really supportive about this whole thing.
No, what Jennifer’s been doing for the last most of Kathleen’s life has been to mercilessly mock the dying, motherless child on the Internet with everything she’s got. According to Jennifer’s husband Scott, his wife’s “brutal honesty” causes her “not to get along with people,” and according to actual facts, Jennifer posted a picture of the girl’s face above a set of crossed bones along with a picture of the dead mother getting a hug from the Grim Reaper.
Apparently this has been a “feud” for some time, if by feud you mean “making fun of terminally ill children with a dead parent.” After the mom died last year, the Petkovs drove down the street in a truck with a coffin in the back and the words “Death Machine” on the side, honking the horn. Oh, and recently they’d pull up by the front yard, look out the window at Kathleen, rev the engine, and say, “I can’t wait until you die.”
The family has been unbelievably tolerant about this whole thing, saying, “This isn’t about trying to get revenge. We’re telling people not to do anything stupid.”
The cops, on the other hand, have said that “they were shocked that we haven’t gone over there and beat the hell out of her.”
I’m sorry. Here’s a squirrel taking calming breaths.
There will be humor in future.