As you probably know, the Super Bowl is next week. This is the part where those of you that didn't know that scroll all the way to the bottom of this post to explain to me that you don't care about football, and how it's VERY IMPORTANT TO YOU that I know that you don't care about... Continue Reading →
THE NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS’ STAR WARS VIDEO IS FUCKING STUPID
On January 7, the New England Patriots released a "hype video," as they called it, themed around the trailer for Star Wars: The Force Awakens. The idea is to get Pats fans pumped up for the playoffs, as though Pats fans didn't already exist in a perpetual state of slavering, feverish idol-worship toward their team... Continue Reading →
LET’S TALK ABOUT BLOWJOBS
NOTE: In case you weren't tipped off by the title, this post has a lot of sex words in it. I say "dick" eight times, "penis" four times, and "pussy" twice, in addition to my usual swearing. If you don't like sex words, read something else. Earlier this week, I came across an article entitled... Continue Reading →
13 STUPID PEOPLE SAY STUPID THINGS ABOUT GAY MARRIAGE
So like a month ago (because I am lazy and haven't gotten around to writing this), the Supreme Court ruled that gay marriage is legal nationwide because any laws preventing it are inherently unconstitutional under the 14th Amendment, which guarantees equal protection under the law to everyone. Liberals applauded the move because duh, and conservatives... Continue Reading →
THREE REASONS THIS ROCKET WON’T SEND US TO MARS
Ever been to the website Elite Daily? If you haven't, don't bother. Home of such journalistic masterpieces as "Zayn Malik Isn't Worried About Leaving One Direction Because His Fiance Is Hot As F*ck" and "Man Given 18 Months To Live Says Cannabis Oil Cured His Cancer," it's a long-running stream of feel-good drivel that's generally... Continue Reading →
WHY I AM NOT ALL ABOUT “ALL ABOUT THAT BASS”
First things first: I know this song came out a long time ago. I'd love to tell you that the reason I have taken this long to address it is that I wanted to be very careful and deliberate about how I broke down exactly what is wrong with the song and its message. Unfortunately,... Continue Reading →
SPACE-BASED SOLAR POWER: DON’T GET TOO EXCITED
This has come up before and never gotten a ton of mainstream attention, but I saw it again and thought I'd address it. WHAT IS IT? Breaking news: the Sun is really freaking bright. Like you cannot believe. In ideal conditions, the Sun is shining roughly 1050 watts on each and every square meter of ground.... Continue Reading →
WHY CATS KICK THEMSELVES IN THE FACE
I have long held a theory about cats: for all their potential for grace, power, stealth, and general elegance, they sometimes genuinely do not have any control over their own bodies. Case in point: It's possible that this cat was playing G.I. Joe and wanted to do a combat roll off the couch, but that's... Continue Reading →
APPARENTLY SOME PEOPLE AREN’T FAT ENOUGH
QUICK NOTE: I wrote the bulk of this post almost a year ago, but it got lost in the shuffle and I didn't finish it until just now. I realize the news item in question is long gone, but the points still stand. Recently, American Eagle made some headlines by announcing that their lingerie line, Aerie,... Continue Reading →
YOU ARE NOT A TETRACHROMAT, AND THIS GRAPHIC IS BULLSHIT
Recently there was a schism on the internet between people about the color of a dress. That led to all kinds of scientific articles about how we perceive color differently, memes about white and gold things and black and blue things, and finally, eventually, this. That is from an article on LinkedIn, written by a woman... Continue Reading →
I WATCHED “VERTICAL LIMIT” (AGAIN) SO YOU DON’T HAVE TO
If you've never seen Vertical Limit, good for you. If you've never even heard of it, even better. It came out in 2000 and somehow made $215 million on a budget of just $75 million, despite being a train wreck of scarcely believable proportions. It is, without a doubt, the worst climbing movie ever made,... Continue Reading →
CAROLE R. DAVIS NEEDS TO SHUT THE FUCK UP
Doubtless there are some among you who are already mad at me for being so rude to this innocent woman in my title. First of all, it's paraphrased from the atrocious article on which I based this post, and secondly, get over it. She deserves it. You'll see. Earlier this week, a friend of mine... Continue Reading →
WHEN YOU WISH UPON A STAR…
Obviously the classic song ends that phrase with “your dreams come true.” Then, as I’m sure you’ve seen, some smartass decided to put a modern and more cynical spin on the phrase with some iteration of the following: Unfortunately, that smartass was also a dumbass. Here’s why. First of all, the phrase “you’re a few... Continue Reading →
EAT IT, BRITAIN
A while ago, a friend sent me a joke that her British friends had been circulating around Facebook entitled "A Message from the Queen." It starts like this: To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II: In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates... Continue Reading →
KICKSTARTER, MEET SCIENCE.
UPDATE: I came back in this morning and elaborated. I was being pretty lazy with explaining the math when I wrote this, but I've expanded it a bit. This is where I find a thing on Kickstarter that someone is raising money for, then I point out that it won't work, then hundreds and thousands... Continue Reading →
