BATMAN V. SUPERMAN IS BAD. THIS IS NOT WHY.

Last week, I went to see Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice. It is not a good movie. The first two hours and fifteen minutes are a series of disjointed scenes, at least four or five dream sequences, total non-sequiturs, and forced conflicts. The movie is called Batman v Superman, but there’s really no good reason for either Batman or Superman to be pissed at each other. Then there’s a final fight scene, then a few minutes of setting up for the upcoming Justice League set of movies that DC hope will help them climb out of the shadow of Marvel.

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Because in the last ten years or so, Marvel has put out Iron Man, Thor, The Incredible Hulk, Captain America, the Avengers, Guardians of the Galaxy, Ant-Man, the new X-Men movies, a few Spider-Man movies, Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., Agent Carter, Jessica Jones, and Daredevil, as well as probably some more I forgot about. DC has the Nolan Batman trilogy, plus The Flash and Arrow are doing ok.

Anyway, this post is not about how the movie sucked. This post is about how the analysis of Tamara White, a writer at xoJane, sucks. Spoilers ahead. Continue reading

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2 SUPER BOWL MYTHS THAT WON’T DIE

As you probably know, the Super Bowl is next week. This is the part where those of you that didn’t know that scroll all the way to the bottom of this post to explain to me that you don’t care about football, and how it’s VERY IMPORTANT TO YOU that I know that you don’t care about football, so take a moment to do that. Back? Excellent.

Two years ago, I wrote about how Cosmopolitan magazine had taken a break from giving awful advice on dating, sex, fashion, food, and so on to give awful advice on how to be a woman at Super Bowl time. Feel free to peruse that link, it’s all still relevant except that the teams have changed.

This year, I’ve decided to write about two myths surrounding the Super Bowl and the people who watch it that somehow, despite never having actually been true, continue to resurface around this time of year. Continue reading

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THE NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS’ STAR WARS VIDEO IS FUCKING STUPID

On January 7, the New England Patriots released a “hype video,” as they called it, themed around the trailer for Star Wars: The Force Awakens. The idea is to get Pats fans pumped up for the playoffs, as though Pats fans didn’t already exist in a perpetual state of slavering, feverish idol-worship toward their team and their quarterback. The problem is that whoever made this video either hasn’t seen the new Star Wars movie or has no idea how their team is perceived by everyone other NFL fanbase in the country, resulting in an extraordinarily shitty metaphor. If you haven’t seen Star Wars, I might give some stuff away here, so heads up. Let’s break this thing down. Continue reading

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LET’S TALK ABOUT BLOWJOBS

NOTE: In case you weren’t tipped off by the title, this post has a lot of sex words in it. I say “dick” eight times, “penis” four times, and “pussy” twice, in addition to my usual swearing. If you don’t like sex words, read something else.

Earlier this week, I came across an article entitled “Why I Don’t Give Blowjobs,” written by a woman named Alison Stevenson, who is probably not a selfish, hypocritical, petty bitch all the time in real life, but certainly comes across that way here. Let’s see what Alison has to say. Continue reading

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13 STUPID PEOPLE SAY STUPID THINGS ABOUT GAY MARRIAGE

So like a month ago (because I am lazy and haven’t gotten around to writing this), the Supreme Court ruled that gay marriage is legal nationwide because any laws preventing it are inherently unconstitutional under the 14th Amendment, which guarantees equal protection under the law to everyone. Liberals applauded the move because duh, and conservatives decried it as a slippery slope that will inevitably lead to forced sodomy, bestiality, and having to be nice to other people even if you don’t like them. Dark times indeed.

After the decision, Ken Paxton, the Attorney General of Texas, said the following stupid thing:

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In case you don’t speak asshole, I’ve decided to translate a few key phrases for you. Continue reading

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