LET’S TALK ABOUT BLOWJOBS

NOTE: In case you weren’t tipped off by the title, this post has a lot of sex words in it. I say “dick” eight times, “penis” four times, and “pussy” twice, in addition to my usual swearing. If you don’t like sex words, read something else.

Earlier this week, I came across an article entitled “Why I Don’t Give Blowjobs,” written by a woman named Alison Stevenson, who is probably not a selfish, hypocritical, petty bitch all the time in real life, but certainly comes across that way here. Let’s see what Alison has to say.

I don’t suck dick. That’s the deal, plain and simple. I know this statement is sure to enrage heaps of men, and even women, who consider blowjobs a mandatory part of anyone’s sexual repertoire. I totally get that. Here’s the thing, though: I fucking hate it. I’ve never enjoyed cramming a penis in my mouth.

Obviously, no part of a sexual repertoire should be considered “mandatory.” That said, sex is not entirely about you. That’s why there’s another person there. Certain positions, kinks, props, lights on vs. off, etc., are not my favorite, but I still do them because they’re basically neutral for me and my partner likes them. But you know what? If you feel so strongly about it, fine. If you don’t want to suck a dick, don’t suck a dick.

I want to clarify that this does not at all mean I hate penises. I don’t think they are ugly, or gross.…All I’m saying is that I despise the act of putting one in my mouth, and forcing my mouth to partake in the motions my hand or vagina could perform instead.

Hahahahaha oh you’re serious. Let me explain something. Men, like 99.9% of the time, don’t have vaginas at their disposal. Nor can they — with a few lucky/flexible/adventurous exceptions — get their mouths on their penises. What they do have is hands. Two of them. And I don’t care how randy you were in high school, there is not a snowball’s chance in hell that you have given more handjobs than any single man has given himself. We have tried EVERYTHING. Lube. Lotion. Non-dominant hand. Both hands. Turning your hand around. Holding it like a pencil. Holding it like you’re trying to catch a football.

The point is that if you think the motions your hand could perform are somehow equivalent in terms of sensation, novelty, or pleasure to what your mouth does, you’re either delusional or really bad at blowjobs.

I currently have a man in my life who I’m not exactly dating, but who comes over about once a week to eat me out. The only thing I give him in return is a pat on the back for doing a good job.

I think this is the definition of selfish. Also, picture this with reversed genders. “I currently have a girl in my life who comes over once a week to blow me, then I give her a firm handshake and send her on her way.” Can’t imagine that would go over well.

It was on our second date that I first gave him the opportunity to suck on my clitoris. After thanking him for giving me a ride home, I simply said, “Want to come up to my place and eat me out?”

Again, flip the genders. Any man who said that he offered a woman “the opportunity to suck my cock” would be crucified in the court of public opinion for daring to suggest that going down on him was a privilege. What about a guy who, at the end of a date, says “Want to come up to my place and blow me?” That’s the stuff that angry articles are written about online, ranting about the presumptuousness and crassness of men, followed by comment sections awash with frothing indignation that any human person would say such a thing.

Since starting things with him, I have resolved to never suck a dick again. I have also resolved to refuse getting romantically involved with any man who doesn’t want to eat me out.

…

Even if he has passwords for both Hulu Plus and HBOGo, I will still find the strength in me to call it quits if he can’t put his mouth down there.

…

Am I being selfish? Probably. But I don’t care. In fact, I firmly believe this perceived selfishness is owed to me.

Are you kidding me? You can go fuck yourself, and I mean that literally, because I sincerely hope no one else does it for you. You won’t suck a dick because it’s not “enjoyable,” but men going down on you is “owed” to you? No one owes you a goddamn thing.

This selfishness comes from many years of having sexual encounters with men who rarely ate me out. If they did, all but two or three of them never bothered to do it long enough for me to actually come.

THEN MAYBE YOU SHOULD TALK TO THEM LIKE A FUCKING ADULT. Firstly, if you don’t like what another person is doing in bed, and want them to do it less or more or harder or faster or whatever, you have to tell them that. They are not psychic.

Secondly, some women take fucking forever to get off. Some just don’t, without toys or a miracle. I’ve had one friend for years, with whom I talk very candidly and explicitly about sex, who was so shocked when a guy got her off with just oral that she actually texted me in confusion. Like I said, sometimes people do things in the bedroom that aren’t necessarily great for them, but they do it because the other person likes it. For a lot of guys, going down on a girl is one of those things. They’re more than willing to do it because they know you like it, but if it’s been 25 minutes and you’re not getting anywhere and their tongue is sore, they’re going to quit. I don’t know if that’s the case here, but it happens. Ever had a sore tongue? It’s awful.

And thirdly, only about one in ten of the women I’ve slept with have “bothered” to go down on me long enough for me to come. That doesn’t mean they’re selfish, it means that blowjobs aren’t physically enjoyable for them and they wanted to switch it up to something that was. You are not entitled to unlimited orgasms at moments of your choosing.

The real root of the problem seems to be that too many straight dudes are under the impression that women orgasm from penetration. I have never been able to come from penetration alone…I’m fully aware that there is such a thing as stimulating myself while being fucked. However, I’ve never been able to actually make this work. For me to reach an orgasm, I need to concentrate. I have to give my clitoris my full attention if it’s going to give me the result I want. This level of concentration is hard to obtain while a guy is bouncing in and out of me, rhetorically asking me if I “like that.”

On the flipside, I’ve talked to plenty of guys who can’t come from oral. I know one who can come from oral, but not from penetration. I had one girlfriend who liked to sit on top of me, not moving, and manually stimulate herself to orgasm. It was fun to watch, but simply being in a vagina isn’t going to get me to orgasm any more than just holding my dick in my hand. The penis needs friction, and that means in and out, and that means it’s going to be very difficult to focus on your clit at the same time, and that means you are going to have to take care of that yourself. For the umpteenth time, sex is about both people, not just you.

I am fully aware that some people are selfish in bed. Some people care only about their own pleasure, and not about the pleasure of the person who’s been so kind as to get naked with them. You, Alison Stevenson, are one of those people. You obviously have no concern for the reciprocal nature of sexual pleasure. You regularly receive oral sex from a man who is almost certainly doing it in the hopes that you’ll fuck him in return, but you won’t suck his dick and you won’t have sex with someone unless you’re in a relationship. You’re happy to generalize about men not going down on women, in spite of the fact that men give oral sex just as often as they receive it, according to the National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior. You seem to assume that men can orgasm at will, as evidenced by the fact that you think you can imbue just as much pleasure with your hand as someone can with their mouth.

And you are shockingly, almost unbelievable unaware of the staggering hypocrisy displayed by saying that you won’t suck a dick because it’s not “enjoyable,” but demand that men go down on you until you orgasm. Eating pussy isn’t enjoyable, Alison. At worst, it tastes and smells bad and has weird shapes and flaps and shit. At best, it’s like licking the crook of someone’s elbow for ten minutes. Do you know why we, the men who eat pussy, do it? Because it makes women happy. They make very sensual sounds and faces, and they arch their backs, and they run their fingers through our hair and say “oh god,” and sometimes they come. And that makes us feel good about ourselves and our skills. It makes us happy to know that they are turned on by what we did. It makes us happy that we’re able to give them such pleasure, because we are not self-centered assholes who couldn’t care less about what our partner wants or likes if it’s the slightest bit inconvenient or uncomfortable to us.

That’s what you are, Alison. You are selfish. You are hypocritical. And you are unabashedly proud of those things, and that makes you a bitch.

Good luck.