JESUS DID NOT MANIFEST HIMSELF IN A TREE BRANCH. STOP IT.

Perhaps you’ve heard of pareidolia.  It’s a phenomenon wherein we see patterns and faces in places they’re not in.  
It’s the reason that when you look at that image above, it’s nearly impossible to convince yourself that there is no triangle.  There’s not.  There are three circles with slices taken out of them, arranged in such a way that they imply a triangle.  It’s not there.  But by far the most common form of pareidolia is faces.  The Old Man on the Mountain in New Hampshire.  The man in the moon.  Faces in clouds.  The face on Mars.  Even the smiley crater.

The ones that get all the press, though, are the religious ones.  When someone thinks they see Jesus somewhere, the whole fucking world grinds to a halt.

Back in October, a man in Oregon was cutting wood and suddenly stopped.  He’d found Jesus in a branch.  And here he is.

Now I’ll grant you that that’s a fairly good example of it, but religious people are not prepared to stop at slight amusement.  Every time a cross or a Jesus-like blob shows up anywhere, they decide it’s a sign from God that MAGICALLY ENOUGH always agrees with what they already think.  It’s a sign that they need to go to church more, or that God loves them, or it’s just comforting.  Apparently just seeing a picture of something is enough proof that that thing loves you.  And I’m not entirely sure, but I’d bet that no Christian has ever seen the word Allah manifested somewhere—something, you’ll be shocked to hear, that happens to Muslims all the time—and decided that they were following the wrong God.  It’s always an affirmation, always a good sign.

Anyway, that’s all bullshit.  Not everything that looks like a face is a face, and even if it does look like a face it’s not necessarily Jesus (there have been a lot of bearded people), and even if it definitely looks like Jesus (a man for whom no one has a physical description, by the way), that doesn’t mean shit.  It’s easy to equate him with a log because he was a carpenter, so clearly that’s a sign, but does that mean that any manifestation of “Jesus” is sacred?

What about this woman who thinks she found Jesus (with massive facial scarring apparently) in the lid of a jar of Marmite?  Is it now blasphemous to wash that jar out?

What about this Cheeto that is CLEARLY JUST A “T” SHAPE?  Are you allowed to eat it?  What if you’d eaten it accidentally, or just as your friend dove across the room to try to smack it away?  Is that bad?

I suppose it could be argued that Jesus just manifests himself wherever you’ll notice, but not in an obvious way like with words or a voice or something.  Just subtle signs, which as I’ve written about before, are stupid and don’t work.

Maybe you’re still not convinced.  Maybe you need one last piece of evidence that these things are all coincidental and don’t mean anything.  Here you go.

That’s Jesus in a dog’s butthole.  Where is your god now?

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