Listen, kids. Normally I try to come up with some kind of pithy title for my posts, often including a pun or a lot of swear words because I'm pissed off about whatever it is that's happening. Not today. And why, you ask? Because today I am sad. I am sad because the World Health... Continue Reading →
NUMBER ONE THREAT TO AMERICA: MORE COFFEE
Earlier this month, Starbucks released the Trenta in stores across the country. The Trenta is a 31-ounce cup of coffee, only for use in their iced drinks. They've been testing it since last January, and apparently it's doing well enough to implement. The main objection that most people seem to have, and I do not... Continue Reading →
OMG ALEIN LIFE HAS DEFINATELY PROBLY BEEN FOUND!!!1!
This seems to be the tone of most of the articles covering a recent discovery by Richard Hoover of what appear to be bacterial fossils in the Orgueil meteorite. And as usual, it's up to real scientists to make a desperate attempt to restrain the slavering news media and public and explain to them that maybe they... Continue Reading →
NO, SEE, WE ACTUALLY HAVE LAWS AGAINST BLATANT RACISM
A strip club in Wisconsin is making people angry, and it hasn't even opened yet. Why? Because of this sign. Can you believe that? For the last time, people, apostrophes are only used for possessives, not for plurals. Oh and also all the racist. The owner defends himself thusly: "If I've got a problem with... Continue Reading →
ON SELF-ELECTROCUTION AND LITIGIOUSNESS
Let me explain to you what electrocution means. I have no doubt that many of you have hear the word before, probably from someone who told you that they electrocuted themselves while unplugging something. A Google search for "electrocuted myself," even excluding the word "almost," turns up over 11,000 results. The problem is that "electrocute"... Continue Reading →
THE SUN DOES NOT BELONG TO YOU
Angeles Duran is a woman in Spain who claims to own the Sun. Not in the sense that she regularly kicks the Sun's ass at sports, in the sense that it legally belongs to her. She defends her claim by saying: There was no snag, I backed my claim legally, I am not stupid, I... Continue Reading →
IN WHICH I EXPLAIN THIS NEW HOROSCOPE CRAP FOR THE PEANUT GALLERY
I'm sure most of you have heard that your star sign has changed. I'm equally sure that most of you don't know why it's changed, because the media made this sound like a magical astronomer conspiracy of doom, rather than something that no human being has anything to do with. They also made it sound like... Continue Reading →
FACEBOOK: ENEMY OF JESUS
This is the Reverend Cedric Miller. He is one of the leaders of the Living Word Christian Fellowship, and he hates Facebook. So much, in fact that he's telling all the other church leaders to cancel their Facebook accounts or resign from the church. Why? Because it promotes marital infidelity. You see, Cedric provides marriage... Continue Reading →
SOMETIMES BEING WRONG ISN’T YOUR FAULT. THIS IS NOT ONE OF THOSE TIMES.
I have mixed feelings about religious people, mainly because I have had mixed experiences with religious people, mainly because religious people are so damn mixed. Some very rough numbers put the number of religious people (technically, people who picked a religion on a recent survey) in the US at around 255 million, so there's probably nothing... Continue Reading →
YOU PROBABLY JUST SHOULDN’T BUY A COMPUTER AT ALL…
A man named Joshua Kors wrote an article in the Huffington Post. It's called "Why I'm Returning My iMac." It turns out that the reason is that he's a slobbering moron. Let's journey through his reasoning. Turns out there's a video camera embedded in the screen, and before I could boot her up for the... Continue Reading →
TIDES! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY WORK?
There is an organization in this country called the American Atheists. They're mostly dedicated to maintaining the separation of church and state, but they have some other assorted causes. One thing that got them a fucking gigantic amount of press recently is these billboards. Now, they're not supposed to be inherently offensive, and I think they're... Continue Reading →
WHEN BEING AN IGNORANT RACIST COMES BACK TO BITE YOU
Up until September, Pawel and Ola were relatively content people. They were highschool sweethearts, happily married, and thought "that Jews were the biggest plague and the worst evil of this world." Yes, you see, Pawel and Ola were skinheads. Neo-Nazis. The modern stragglers from a 70-year-old movement driven mainly by Hitler's religious dogma and his... Continue Reading →
NO ONE COULD HAVE SEEN THIS COMING
Let's say you're a Swedish schoolgirl. You have a test coming up, and you don't know what's on it, because let's face it, that's kind of why they do those. So what's the best strategy? To steal the answers. Duh. BUT WAIT! By the hammer of Thor (to whom, I have it on good authority,... Continue Reading →
SIX ASTOUNDINGLY TERRIBLE PEOPLE
1. Urine, Donuts, and Fellatio This is Shantell Ishem. She's 27 and she's from Oklahoma. She stole a donut from a car. Now when I get a donut, I know the first thing I want to do is pee in a parking lot, which is exactly what Shantell did. We have so much in common.... Continue Reading →
PARENTAL ADVICE FROM SOMEONE WHO DOESN’T HAVE KIDS
We all know that when someone is entering into a complicated and difficult situation, the advice that they appreciate most is that which comes from people who have never been in that situation. Try telling a woman with three kids that childbirth couldn't possibly be worse than the papercut you have right now, and watch... Continue Reading →
