UNREASONABLY DANGEROUS ONION RINGS

NO, SEE, WE ACTUALLY HAVE LAWS AGAINST BLATANT RACISM

A strip club in Wisconsin is making people angry, and it hasn’t even opened yet. Why? Because of this sign. Can you believe that? For the last time, people, apostrophes are only used for possessives, not for plurals. Oh and also all the racist. The owner defends himself thusly: “If…

SOMEONE IS GOING TO BE KILLED BECAUSE OF JUSTIN BIEBER

So you all know who Justin Bieber is. That’s a statement of fact, because everyone knows who he is, because for some goddamn reason his “Baby” video is the most viewed thing of all time. OF ALL TIME! That video right there has been viewed four hundred and fifty-six million motherfucking…

A CONVERSATION BETWEEN TWO SCIENTISTS

Picture the scene. Two scientists are sitting in a room together, excited about the finalization of plans to explore previously uncharted territory in the solar system. This mission will be unique, and will take just one more slice off of the massive chunk of ignorance that looms around us. But…

YOU KNOW WHAT’S FUN? PEEING ON YOURSELF.

On November 10, 2009, Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 was released. Twenty-four hours later, Activision had sold 4.6 million copies for $310,000,000. That’s not video game money, that’s box office money. That is, in fact, more money than any movie has made in its opening weekend ever, by a…

IT’S A PUDDLE. THAT YOU PAY FOR.

Two artists in Holland would like to sell you this. Now I know you’re thinking that that looks like a tiny plastic pill-shaped case with a poorly-contained chunk of ice slowly melting inside, and you’re probably also thinking that because it costs $33, it can’t possibly be that.

SHWEEB: TRANSPORTATION SYSTEM (THAT WON’T WORK) OF THE FUTURE

If you’re like me, you’ve always hated that our transportation systems like bikes and buses and cars all operate on an existing infrastructure, rather than one that would require a huge amount of money and disruptive construction projects to reinvent. Right? I mean, riding your bike on roads that are…

ON SELF-ELECTROCUTION AND LITIGIOUSNESS

Let me explain to you what electrocution means. I have no doubt that many of you have hear the word before, probably from someone who told you that they electrocuted themselves while unplugging something. A Google search for “electrocuted myself,” even excluding the word “almost,” turns up over 11,000 results.…

EQUAL OPPORTUNITY BADASS

I have written twice about human beings taking on large animals and winning (here and here) and both times the subject of my cautious but adoring admiration has been a man. Now it’s time to even things out.

THE SUN DOES NOT BELONG TO YOU

Angeles Duran is a woman in Spain who claims to own the Sun. Not in the sense that she regularly kicks the Sun’s ass at sports, in the sense that it legally belongs to her. She defends her claim by saying: There was no snag, I backed my claim legally,…