So you all know who Justin Bieber is.  That’s a statement of fact, because everyone knows who he is, because for some goddamn reason his “Baby” video is the most viewed thing of all time.  OF ALL TIME!

That video right there has been viewed four hundred and fifty-six million motherfucking times.  That’s by far the most views of anything on Youtube, and equates to a total lost productivity time (length of video x number of views) of 3,257 years.  Check the math if you want.

Now, Justin looks and sounds like a pre-pubescent girl, mainly because he’s a pre-pubescent boy with lady hair, but regardless, he’s pretty fucking popular.  And like any young star, he’s given rise to some fans that can only be described as—and I’ll try to be tasteful here—APE-SHITTINGLY CRAZY.

Imagine 45-year-old men screaming themselves to tears over 17-year-old girls. This is not more ok.

This has already been evidenced by the noise levels at his concerts.  The sound of tens of thousands of teenage girls screaming is actually listed as a war crime under the Geneva Convention, and will be the first thing aliens pick up on if they ever point radio telescopes toward our planet.  That sound is enough to not only aggravate a dog, but raise it to a sentient state just long enough for it to conclude that there is no God before killing itself.  You can imagine that any person willing to sacrifice the structural integrity of their own eardrums in order to see a short man in jeans and a trucker hat whine into a microphone from 500 rows back is not the most reasonable person in the world, and may in fact be harboring a crush for the Biebs that borders on the criminally insane.  Turns out you’re right.

You see, Justin is famous and (apparently) cute, meaning he can date whoever the fuck he wants, meaning he will choose to date someone who is also famous and also cute, and close to his age, not (against all expectations) the epileptically excited, spittle-spraying fans that line his every stage.

These girls have literally no control over their actions. Because they can see him.

It turns out that the lady Justin has chosen to croon at is none other than Selena Gomez, a perfectly normal if somewhat vapid 18-year-old actress fromt he Disney Channel.  That’s fine.  At least for me; I could not care less who some random teenager dates.  Justin’s fans did not see it the same way, as apparently they were all under the impression that Justin personally loved them and was going to be with them.  Individually.  By the millions.  Because they’re all fucking idiots.

When word broke that Selena and Justin were seen kissing—KISSING—the Twittersphere lit up.  Here’s a few samples.

@selenagomez I’ll kill you I swear on GOD!!!!

@selenagomez wh*re cancer wh* i’mm kill myself cuz i saw you and Justin kissing well thankyou Selena thankyou now i’m killing myself

@selenagomez stay away from Justin pedophile, retard wait i’m gonna kill ya in the night underneath your smelly bed

@selenagomez If you are the Girlfriend of Justin I will Kill you I HATE YOU :@ !!!

That’s the kind of reaction that came from one supposedly shopped photo of the two.  Those are not the wistful sighs of fans forced to face reality, those are indications of a level of delusion previously inhabited only by Kim Jong Il.

This brings me to a greater point, and that point is this: someone needs to snap these pathetic fuckers out of it.  With a slap to the face if necessary.  This is not devotion, this is obsession.  This is dangerous.  Allow me to show you a photo.

Reassuring young girls that Justin will eventually find them and that he’ll shower them with compliments is one thing, but sitting at home writing the same words about the subject of your attention over and over is not something normal people do.  It’s what Charles Manson does.  No human being should ever care that much about another person ever.  But it gets worse.


This, my friends, is how serial killers are born.  It’s not funny anymore.

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