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IN WHICH SOMEONE GETS VERY UPSET OVER A CHOCOLATE PENIS
This is Elizabeth McClure. She is approximately as little fun to be around as a person can be. Now I haven’t met Elizabeth, so I’m just guessing, but here’s why. In June, Elizabeth was eating her usual Cadbury’s Nibbles, a delightful chocolatey treat, when she came across something that stopped…
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IN WHICH I RUIN A CHILDHOOD FANTASY OF YOURS. ON PURPOSE.
Remember when you were a little boy, killing small animals with knives and building fortresses out of dirt and sticks? Girls (55 percent of my audience), you can ignore this part. Anyway, the inevitable discussion that every single small boy has ever had is the following: if you could have…
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CELL PHONES DO NOT CAUSE CANCER. STILL. REALLY.
Listen, kids. Normally I try to come up with some kind of pithy title for my posts, often including a pun or a lot of swear words because I’m pissed off about whatever it is that’s happening. Not today. And why, you ask? Because today I am sad. I am…
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PETA: PURVEYORS OF EXCESSIVE TITS AND ASSES
You remember PETA, yes? They’re the subjects of probably the angriest two posts I’ve written in almost two years of running this blog. I called them the most vicious hypocrisy since the Catholic Church, and I stand by that. If you want to read those two posts, here’s part 1…
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NUMBER ONE THREAT TO AMERICA: MORE COFFEE
Earlier this month, Starbucks released the Trenta in stores across the country. The Trenta is a 31-ounce cup of coffee, only for use in their iced drinks. They’ve been testing it since last January, and apparently it’s doing well enough to implement. The main objection that most people seem to…
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A PERFECT STORM OF WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT
I’ve written about alternative medicine before. A lot. I wrote about Valkee, which is stupid, laser baldness treatment, which is stupid, and homeopathy, which is stupid. I’m pretty sure I’ve mentioned it elsewhere too, but I can’t find it all. And now, here’s another one.
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TWENTY UNINTENTIONALLY SEXUAL CHURCH SIGNS
I have a theory, partially grounded in fact. First, the fact: pastors don’t get laid. Religious attitudes toward sex vary, but they are inevitably prudish and ignorant. Some sects of Christianity think that any sex that isn’t specifically for procreation purposes is sinful and that pastors/priests should be entirely celibate…
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THREE PRODUCTS TO ANNOUNCE TO THE WORLD THAT YOU’VE GIVEN UP
You’re getting older. Gone are the gallivanting days of being single, the one night stands, the keg stands, the ability to take 15 shots in a night and still function the next day. Gone is the six-pack that you could maintain on a diet of frozen pizza and Snickers bars,…
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UNREASONABLY DANGEROUS ONION RINGS 