I have a theory, partially grounded in fact. First, the fact: pastors don’t get laid. Religious attitudes toward sex vary, but they are inevitably prudish and ignorant. Some sects of Christianity think that any sex that isn’t specifically for procreation purposes is sinful and that pastors/priests should be entirely celibate (Catholics), and some are more liberal, but I’m willing to bet that none of them preach an attitude of “bone whoever you want as long as you’re reasonably safe about it and also as long as they’re cool with the aforementioned boning.” And if you never have sex or talk about sex, you miss out on the wealth of sexual innuendo and double entendres that the English language has to offer. They’re just not on your mind. The result is this (in no particular order).
Ok, I’m having trouble thinking of any way that can be construed that isn’t about masturbation. I’m failing. Let’s look at Psalm 16 and see if we can find the context.
Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will rest secure,
because you will not abandon me to the realm of the dead, nor will you let your faithful[b] one see decay.
You make known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand.
Oooooohhh, ok. that makes sense. So when they “in” your right hand they mean “at” God’s right hand, and when they say “pleasures forever” they mean “eternal pleasures.” Yeah, that still sounds like masturbation.
This does not agree with my experience [winks]. In my experience [winks], when there’s friction [winks a bunch more] between two people, you’re past the point where a smile is really going to make any difference. The best lubricant [winks so furiously that you suspect nerve damage] is probably actual lubricant.
I don’t care who you are, don’t spread that kind of thing around. I was going to look up the context in hopes that they’d just misconstrued it, but now I’m in a very immature state of mind and the verse says, “He who testifies to these things says, ‘Yes, I am coming soon.’ Amen. Come, Lord Jesus,” and I started laughing too hard to keep track of what I was talking about. Sorry, next sign.
Oh come on now. Yes this is obviously a prayer reference, but really? No one noticed that? Does that mean that no one involved in the running of this church has ever given or received a blowjob (Editor’s Note: Yes. It does mean that)? I know church people are boring in bed, but that seems a little implausible (Ed.: It’s not).
Ok what the fuck. Seriously. NO ONE caught that. According to the comments where I found this, it’s talking about lying and how it’ll bring down even powerful people, but then “on your knees” is the most powerful position, so maybe this is a good thing? You know what, this is probably an endorsement for more oral sex all around. Yep. It’s gotta be that.
I’m starting to notice a fixation with tongues here. I know that the word “tongue” is used in the Bible to mean language a bunch of times, but it’s not Bible times any more. We have other words for things. Also, we have porn, so no one sees references to wet slippery tongues and thinks of Jesus. Unless you’re into that.
This one’s not necessarily sexual, but I haven’t gotten laid a lot in the last six months and also I’m a climber, so “blessed are the flexible” can really only go one way (the way with sex in it).
You say that like it’s bad, but I’ve gotten pretty much exclusively positive reviews for that kind of thing. Maybe Pastor John just needs more practice.
Oh, so we’re back to masturbation? And now I’m just guessing, but I’m pretty sure that’s saying that if you want to masturbate, do it LITERALLY AS VIGOROUSLY AS YOU CAN. Challenge accepted.
Um. I … I genuinely don’t know what’s going on here. That is a church sign, yes, but I’m pretty sure dick enlargement or vagina … envaginament or whatever the fuck people do to themselves below the belt is not addressed in Leviticus. A Google search doesn’t help, except now I know that there is a real website called penisenlargementbible.org, which is awesome.
Again with the strenuous masturbation decree. It’s like a six hundred and fourteenth commandment: “Thou shalt handle thy genitals with vigor and conviction.” I’m starting to think I should take a little break and … um, check some things. I’ll be right back.
Ok, I’m back, what are we—dammit. If I’d known that, I’d have gotten a friend to do it. Though I’m not sure they’d have had the might to handle it [paroxysms of winking], if you know what I mean (Ed.: he means he has a large penis). Anyway, apparently “rub it in” means that real friends won’t make you feel worse about your misfortunes. They’ll give you a handy instead. Or something.
Again, not inherently sexual, but I’m thinking about sticky sin and that’s a one way street (to sexual fantasy land). I think what the Church is trying to do here is a pun off of Cin-a-Bon, but even so they’re saying that nothing is stickier than sin, and now we’re back in sexual fantasy land again. Only now I’m picturing cinnamon buns are involved and things are getting messy.
This is actually something we used to say in highschool, except it went, “Birthdays only come once a year; be glad you’re not a birthday!” and then there were shots and other alcohol and often debauchery intended to prevent us from being similar to birthdays in that respect. I think this is asking how often you come to Church, but to be honest there is literally no context in which you could ask me “how often do you come?” and I wouldn’t burst out laughing.
See, when a man and a woman love each other very much or it’s convenient or they’re drunk, there’s a special kind of hug that they do, and during that special kind of hug something happens to the woman that in porn circles (and immature innuendo ones) we call “getting wet.” That same thing also tends to imply that the woman is “ready” (for hugging, of course), so that’s where the sex HUGGING part of this sign comes in. What I don’t get is how this could possibly be church-related. Is it a baptism reference? Because people generally say “washed” for that, and that might clear some things up. Or maybe the First United Methodist Church is just really fun.
All RIGHT, we get it. Give power blowjobs, and give them often. Jeez.
Is that what he told you? You were all like, “Already?” and he was all like, “I can’t help it, baby, I just love you so much!” and you were all like “It’s ok, it happens to everyone” but secretly it doesn’t and you’re unsatisfied, aren’t you? I’m sorry. But with a name like Lovingway, someone’s sure to come [giggle] along. You’ll find someone.
Like Jesus, apparently. I thought he wasn’t supposed to do that kind of thing, and I haven’t read the Bible all that closely but I’m like 90% sure he doesn’t get nailed at any point (Ed.: that joke was in very poor taste) but I guess if the Church says so, it’s ok. Maybe just try it out at first, just to see how it feels.
Now that is reassuring. (Ed.: a certain word has been replaced by the word “love” for the remainder of this paragraph) See, I was all worried that my love would be too small to satisfy God, but it turns out he’s not judgmental that way. And presumably if you have what some people would consider too big a love, like a huge, throbbing love that you can barely control and that scares women away because they’ve never seen a love that big and they’re not sure they can fit that much love inside them, God would be ok with that too. After all, no one has room for love like God.
Oh I think we knew that by now. But this one has a bonus in it. After all, masturbating furiously and constantly can be tiring, and you won’t always have friends around to do that for you. Luckily, Hocker Oil Company is here for you. Let’s zoom in on that sign behind the church one.
Now that’s service.
Happy [nearest religious holiday], minions.
Unreasonably Dangerous Onion Rings 
Epic. So much win.