COSMO’S GUIDE TO THE SUPER BOWL (FOR LADIES)

Hello ladies!  As you may know, if a man in your life has informed you or you overheard it somewhere, this Sunday is the Super Bowl.  That’s when two football teams play each other, and the winner gets a shiny trophy and tickets to Disney World and bragging rights for the next 10 months, until they miss the playoffs and everyone starts to question why you’d give the BIGGEST CONTRACT IN NFL HISTORY to a quarterback whose defense carried him through his entire fucking career.

This man ranked 25th in the league this year in passing touchdowns.  Out of 32.

This man ranked 25th in the league this year in passing touchdowns. Out of 32.

Anyway, you’re a woman, and just because you’re a woman doesn’t mean you don’t like sports, right?  There are jerseys for women, there are ads directed at women on during the game, and a substantial percentage of the NFL’s fanbase is female.  Women like sports too.

Pictured: women liking sports.

Pictured: women liking sports.

That’s why Cosmo has your back.  Cosmo knows that you, being a modern, progressive women, will likely be watching the game with your male counterparts, and you will thus need to be as sexy as possible, because it’s Cosmo and that’s literally the only thing that matters.

Tip #1: Hanging at Home — Sexy Loungewear

The Idea: 

One great thing about watching the game at home is that you can wear your favorite loungewear without even the slightest hint of sartorial shame. But just because you’re going super casual, doesn’t mean you can’t still look sexy. Color-coordinated sweats will help you get in the mood for the big game and flashing a little team-themed lingerie will leave your guy paying as much attention to you as he does to the game on the screen.

Cosmo 1

The Reality:

“Your guy” does not want to pay as much attention to you as he does to the game.  He wants to watch the fucking game.  It is literally the single largest sporting event in the world — this year’s may well be the most watched of all time — and he’s a football fan.  It’s like the season finale of your favorite show, except the difference is you can’t just wait and watch it next week because spoilers are as inevitable as gravity, and also a HUNDRED AND FIFTY MILLION PEOPLE will watch it.  The top 22 most watched broadcasts in U.S. history are all Super Bowls.

Also, color-coordinated sweats will get you in the mood for the big game?  If you aren’t in the mood to watch football, that’s fine, but red sweatpants are not going to change that.  You’re in the substantial minority of American adults, but some people just aren’t into football.  In which case, go to your room and read a book or fuck around on the internet or something.  Do not hang out in the living room flashing your 49ers thong (they’re not even in it, for god’s sake) and trying to distract the real football fans of the household.  This is important.

Tip #2: Super Bowl House Party — Cool and Casual

The Idea:

There’s no point in getting overly dressed up for a house party, but you still want to look good. Keep it casual with jeans or cut-off shorts, then add a fitted team T-shirt or a cute top in your team colors. And give your give look a little extra something with sporty wedge sneakers and football-themed accessories. A bracelet that jingles will make celebrating those touchdowns all the more fun and festive.

Cosmo 2

The Reality:

I swear to god if you don’t stop jingling your fucking bracelets I will duct tape you to a tree outside the window and you can watch from there.  Also, is anyone seeing a theme here?  “There’s no point in looking cute, but you can still look cute!”  It’s in both tips so far.  First of all, if you’re going to tell people to look cute, don’t tell them not to look cute.  It’s your job to tell girls to look cute, we get it.  But secondly, if I had to pick a single day of the year or occasion in a man’s life where he does not give one fraction of a morsel of a shit what the women around him look like, it’s the Super Bowl.  Christmas with the family, funerals, other people’s weddings, important work functions…think of the most solemn occasion you can, and then tell me that a man in that situation wouldn’t enjoy you showing a little more skin.  There isn’t one.  Except this game.  You may have the best ass in the world, but if it’s blocking the TV it might as well be a brick wall.

Oh. My. God.  Get out of the way.

Oh. My. God. Get out of the way.

Tip #3: Sports Bar — Sexy and Sporty

The Idea:

You never know who you might meet at a sports bar on Super Bowl Sunday, so why not put your sexiest foot forward with an outfit that’s both game-day appropriate and super hot? Try layering a team tank over a lace bandeau and half-tucking it into a sexy mini skirt or pair of cut-off shorts. Accessorize with simple jewelry and throw on a pair of heels to help you stand out from the rest of the sneakers-clad crowd.

Cosmo 3

The Reality:

Read that first sentence again.  I know exactly who you might meet at a sports bar on Super Bowl Sunday: people who don’t have enough friends to have a house party.  The saddest, loneliest, fattest, smelliest men in your area are the ones who have chosen not to spend this day with friends, but shoulder to shoulder with other horrible people.  Don’t go to a sports bar dressed in the stuff above unless you want to be literally salivated upon.  Also, no matter how hot you are, it’ll probably be standing room only.  I know you’re a classy, cosmopolitan lady, but do you really want to stand in one place in heels for four hours?  You do not.

Tip #4: Live and In Person — Cute and Cozy

The Idea: 

The tri-state area is COLD this time of year, so if you’re lucky enough to be heading to the big game in person, make sure you bundle up. Tie a cute plaid shirt around your waist in case you get really cold and top off your look with a cozy varsity jacket. Dress up your clear plastic tote with color-coordinated accessories and pouches and stick to flat sneakers for maximum comfort while you’re standing in those long lines at the stadium.

Cosmo 4

The Reality:

Nope.  Nope nope nope nope nope.  Your “cozy varsity jacket” might be all well and good on a brisk fall day when you’re shopping with your friends.  But the Super Bowl is going to start more than an hour after dark, in New Jersey, in February.  Right now, at that stadium, it is seven degrees outside.  But don’t worry!  You have a plaid shirt around your waist in case it gets “really cold,” right?  Don’t make me laugh.  The last game that was that cold was the Packers-49ers Wild Card game this year, and people were firing up grills outside the stadium to THAW OUT THEIR BEERS.  If you have any exposed skin whatsoever, you are going to die.

Also, you’re with your boyfriend/husband at the Super Bowl.  The cheapest tickets to that game are in the area of $2500.  Remember, there’s no replay at a live game.  If he misses a big play, it’s gone forever.  This means that he’s going to be even more invested in the game than the previous three scenarios.  That means that if you ask him to go and get you a cup of cocoa to warm your delicate and permanently cold woman-hands (do not even pretend that women’s hands are not ALWAYS cold), he’s going to ignore you.  If you so much as complain that it is cold, he is going to ignore you more.  If you ask to borrow his jacket because you’re on the verge of freezing to death right there in your seat, he is going to let you die.

Fashion is out the window, dear.  If you’re at the actual game, you should wear everything you own, and maybe even buy more stuff and wear that as well.

Prologue: Real Tips

Here are four actual tips for being a woman — or anyone else, for that matter — at the Super Bowl, whether you’re in the stadium, a bar, a friend’s house, or your own couch in your jammies.

  1. Shut the fuck up while the game is on.

Ok I lied; that’s the only tip.  Seriously, that’s it.  That’s the cardinal rule.  You can accessorize and dress sexy if you want, but don’t expect anyone to pay attention to you.  You can make food, and that’s great, but make sure you don’t block the TV.  You can read a book, or watch something else on Netflix if you’re not into the game, or listen to music, or play Jenga, but do it in the other room where we can’t hear you.  Honestly, you should be thrilled; women are always complaining about societal pressure to be funny and pretty and sexy, but for this one day, expectations of you could not be lower.

Please just leave us alone.

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