THE SEEDS OF JESUS. IN YOUR MOUTH.

I would like you to look at this product and tell me what it looks like to you.  Ready?

Did you say that it’s candy corn?  You silly, irreverent, blasphemous idiot.  Those right there are harvest seeds.

Wait, what?

Yes.  Allow me to enlighten you.

Rebekah Kuschmider of the Washington Times found that out recently when she went shopping.  They’re sold from a site called DollarCross.com, which sells “Christian novelties.”  Each packet contains about nine seeds, so you can…grow your own Jesus or something?  I don’t know.  And each one has a Bible verse on the front, in this case some sappy bullshit from First Thessalonians.

You may think this is fairly innocent, but there’s a problem here.  Remember who goes trick-or-treating.  I’ll let Rebekah say it, because I think she says it really well.

Never mind the mind-melting comic potential of a product called “Jesus Seeds”, the concept of Bible candy meant to be handed out to kids really, really bothers me. Actually, no. What bothers me is the idea hat someone might hand it out to my kid. Because I’m not Christian, I’m not raising my child Christian, and I don’t want anyone else trying to convert him to Christianity when he’s still young enough to trick or treat. There will be plenty of time for the evangelically minded to proselytize to him when he reaches the age of majority, thank you very much.

You go girl.

See, proselytizing to children is fucking stupid.  It’s a tacit admission that you don’t have an argument, because if you did have a real argument you’d make that argument to real adults with the power of rational thinking.  Enticing little kids to your way of life by offering them candy is one step away from a dude with a windowless van, and no one wants that.  Plus, no kid is going to have a goddamn clue what that says, nor will they take the time to look at the wrapper before inhaling its contents.

Might I suggest an alternative?