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| Just . . . just fucking kill it. |
Honestly, I thought for a moment about just putting the photo with no caption on this post, and letting you cry yourselves to sleep without further input. Then I read the description.
Satisfying a mutual desire for companionship, this high chair permits your dog or cat to accompany you at the dinner table.
That is a giant mistake. Do not do that. Your dog does not deserve to eat with you, and why?
Because he’s a dog. I’ll allow SNL to clarify that viewpoint further.
I don’t care what PETA or the trustafarian in your bioethics class say, dogs are not people. They are descended from wild dogs and wolves, and were domesticated 10,000 years ago. Most of them still retain some sense of pack mentality, which means they function best in a hierarchy, which means they want to be told what to do. The only ones that don’t are too stupid to actually comprehend such a system (example: the panting void in the photo), and they’re pathetic and should be kicked very very hard and often.
Cats can actually be forgiven for their antisocial tendencies because it’s in their genes. They weren’t domesticated for a very long time after dogs because they have no pack mentality at all; they’re individual hunters and don’t have any sense of social networks. That aloofness that they do isn’t a sense of superiority, it’s closer to autism. Regardless, they’re not going to stay in the damn chair.
By providing an alternative to sitting on your lap, running disruptively underfoot, or outright banishment, the chair assuages a pet (and its owner’s) frustration, and promotes more refined behavior.
Aww, is your little punkin frustrated by the fact that you’re not snuggling with it? Who fucking cares? Banishment from the dinner table is the correct option for an animal, and sitting in a little chair is not how you create refined behavior. You want to know the most efficient way to train a dog? When it’s little and pees somewhere it’s not supposed to, twist its ear hard and say “no.” From then on, it will do what you say, and gladly, because it knows what “no” means. Done.
How do I know that anything that sits in this chair isn’t refined? Two things:
1) Two tethers on the chair protect your dinner guests against any lapses in etiquette.
Look back at the photo. Now that you know, it’s hard not to see, but the little rat-faced freak is strapped in. On both sides.
And finally,
2) For pets up to 10 lbs.
I’m going to go out on a limb and say that there has never been a dog under ten pounds that had a functional level of intelligence or discipline, ever. I would love to see exceptions, but it’s well established that brain size does have something to do with intelligence, and I just don’t think it’ll happen.
Buy real dogs.
UNREASONABLY DANGEROUS ONION RINGS 
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