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NO ONE CARES THAT YOU’RE SAD
It’s over. The oath has been taken, the barrier fences will soon be broken down and put in storage, and the police will go back to their normal shifts. There are no more appeals, no more recounts, no more renegade electors who might swoop in at the 11th hour and…
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13 NEW RULES FOR AIR TRAVEL
In the last year, I have made ten trips that required air travel. I have flown something like 100,000 miles and spent roughly the entirety of my adult life in layovers. If I had kids, I would have forgotten what they looked like. I am registered to vote in The…
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COULD THIS BE THE WORLD’S FIRST NUCLEAR-POWERED AIRLINER? (NO.)
On January 5, 2011, I wrote the following: “Designer” is a dangerous term, because it usually means some crazy person with ridiculous ideas who then makes CAD drawings or actual mock-ups of his crazy ideas and yet, for some goddamn reason, I appear to be the only person to notice…
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4 REASONS SOLAR ROADWAYS ARE FUCKING STUPID
The idea of solar roadways has been around for a while, and I haven’t said anything about it because I thought it was self-evident how stupid it was. I was wrong. The Indiegogo page raised $2.2 million and recently, prototypes have been built, to much applause from the environmentally-minded. So now,…
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BATMAN V. SUPERMAN IS BAD. THIS IS NOT WHY.
Last week, I went to see Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice. It is not a good movie. The first two hours and fifteen minutes are a series of disjointed scenes, at least four or five dream sequences, total non-sequiturs, and forced conflicts. The movie is called Batman v Superman,…
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2 SUPER BOWL MYTHS THAT WON’T DIE
As you probably know, the Super Bowl is next week. This is the part where those of you that didn’t know that scroll all the way to the bottom of this post to explain to me that you don’t care about football, and how it’s VERY IMPORTANT TO YOU that I know…
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THE NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS’ STAR WARS VIDEO IS FUCKING STUPID
On January 7, the New England Patriots released a “hype video,” as they called it, themed around the trailer for Star Wars: The Force Awakens. The idea is to get Pats fans pumped up for the playoffs, as though Pats fans didn’t already exist in a perpetual state of slavering,…
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LET’S TALK ABOUT BLOWJOBS
NOTE: In case you weren’t tipped off by the title, this post has a lot of sex words in it. I say “dick” eight times, “penis” four times, and “pussy” twice, in addition to my usual swearing. If you don’t like sex words, read something else. Earlier this week, I…
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13 STUPID PEOPLE SAY STUPID THINGS ABOUT GAY MARRIAGE
So like a month ago (because I am lazy and haven’t gotten around to writing this), the Supreme Court ruled that gay marriage is legal nationwide because any laws preventing it are inherently unconstitutional under the 14th Amendment, which guarantees equal protection under the law to everyone. Liberals applauded the…
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UNREASONABLY DANGEROUS ONION RINGS 