So in my Hummer post, I may have mentioned in a sort of afterword (that’s a word, don’t you dare correct me) that Ford is an awesome company and GM sucks monkey sack. Well, GM decided a while back that they were some badass mothertruckers and they would be GODDAMNED if some nancy-ass, fuel-efficient, rally-team-having, bailout-not-requiring, Fiesta-making company like Ford was going to outgun them in the big fucking truck category. Which is what Ford’s been doing for years. So Chevy released the 2011 Silverado Heavy Duty. Here it is.

The man who owns this truck has a penis so big he could kill you with it.

You want to hear some numbers? YOU BET YOUR TOFU-EATING LIBERAL ASS YOU DO! I should note that if you don’t want to hear some numbers, you should leave. There are numbers in the offing. Anyway, this truck has a fully boxed frame with through-welded cross members, making it 20% stiffer in beaming, 92% stiffer in bending, 125% stiffer in the front subframe, and 500% stiffer in twisting. In summary, it’s stiffer than Chuck Norris on Viagra. It also has upgraded suspension, better dampers, bigger wheels, and enormous 14″ vented disc brakes. Fourteen inches may not sound that big (in which case, ladies, you will never ever be satisfied), but in terms of brakes, that’s fucking huge.

But the most important upgrade was the engine. It’s bigger, heavier, idles lower, and has a lower compression ratio, which may sound worse, but it means more torque than Thor and a bed-mounted hitch capacity of 20,000 pounds. That’s approximately the weight of the moon.

This truck was announced on February 10th, and for a while it looked like GM had finally won the penis-compensation contest.

Until this came along.

Other cars piss themselves when they see this.

That, ladies and gentlemen, is the 2011 Ford F-Series Super Duty, and it will take the Chevy out behind the tool shed and beat the shit out of it with a belt, then make it pick up its dry-cleaning.

The main feature of this is the all new, entirely in-house, 6.7 liter V8 Powerstroke Diesel. It makes 735 lb-ft of torque and 390 hp, which may not mean much to you, so I’ll put it in perspective. You know that religious paradox about whether God could make a rock so big that even He couldn’t move it? The answer’s yes. And then this truck could move it.

Oh, and those numbers? As far as the box frame goes, Ford’s already had that for years, and remember that towing capacity that has every automotive journalist burning in and about the loins? 20,000 pounds? Well the Ford does 21,600. That’s a gain of 1,600 pounds. In real terms, that’s 600 feet of 1-inch rebar on top of the Chevy’s towing capacity. The Ford is 50 pounds behind in bed payload, but leave your Big Gulp at home and you’ll make up for that.

A few months ago, Chevy challenged Ford to a tug-of-war between these two trucks and Ford said no. Chevy got extremely cocky about this. Now, they haven’t released official horsepower and torque specs for the Silverado HD, but I suspect they maybe eating their words.

And that makes GM…

A sad panda.

Chalk up another point for the real American car company.