Truck On This, GM

Credit goes to Jalopnik for this story because they found it and they’re super freaking awesome. Credit goes to me for the absurd hyperbole.

So in my Hummer post, I may have mentioned in a sort of afterword (that’s a word, don’t you dare correct me) that Ford is an awesome company and GM sucks monkey sack. Well, GM decided a while back that they were some badass mothertruckers and they would be GODDAMNED if some nancy-ass, fuel-efficient, rally-team-having, bailout-not-requiring, Fiesta-making company like Ford was going to outgun them in the big fucking truck category. Which is what Ford’s been doing for years. So Chevy released the 2011 Silverado Heavy Duty. Here it is.

The man who owns this truck has a penis so big he could kill you with it.

You want to hear some numbers? YOU BET YOUR TOFU-EATING LIBERAL ASS YOU DO! I should note that if you don’t want to hear some numbers, you should leave. There are numbers in the offing. Anyway, this truck has a fully boxed frame with through-welded cross members, making it 20% stiffer in beaming, 92% stiffer in bending, 125% stiffer in the front subframe, and 500% stiffer in twisting. In summary, it’s stiffer than Chuck Norris on Viagra. It also has upgraded suspension, better dampers, bigger wheels, and enormous 14″ vented disc brakes. Fourteen inches may not sound that big (in which case, ladies, you will never ever be satisfied), but in terms of brakes, that’s fucking huge.

But the most important upgrade was the engine. It’s bigger, heavier, idles lower, and has a lower compression ratio, which may sound worse, but it means more torque than Thor and a bed-mounted hitch capacity of 20,000 pounds. That’s approximately the weight of the moon.

This truck was announced on February 10th, and for a while it looked like GM had finally won the penis-compensation contest.

Until this came along.

Other cars piss themselves when they see this.

That, ladies and gentlemen, is the 2011 Ford F-Series Super Duty, and it will take the Chevy out behind the tool shed and beat the shit out of it with a belt, then make it pick up its dry-cleaning.

The main feature of this is the all new, entirely in-house, 6.7 liter V8 Powerstroke Diesel. It makes 735 lb-ft of torque and 390 hp, which may not mean much to you, so I’ll put it in perspective. You know that religious paradox about whether God could make a rock so big that even He couldn’t move it? The answer’s yes. And then this truck could move it.

Oh, and those numbers? As far as the box frame goes, Ford’s already had that for years, and remember that towing capacity that has every automotive journalist burning in and about the loins? 20,000 pounds? Well the Ford does 21,600. That’s a gain of 1,600 pounds. In real terms, that’s 600 feet of 1-inch rebar on top of the Chevy’s towing capacity. The Ford is 50 pounds behind in bed payload, but leave your Big Gulp at home and you’ll make up for that.

A few months ago, Chevy challenged Ford to a tug-of-war between these two trucks and Ford said no. Chevy got extremely cocky about this. Now, they haven’t released official horsepower and torque specs for the Silverado HD, but I suspect they maybe eating their words.

And that makes GM…


A sad panda.

Chalk up another point for the real American car company.

6 thoughts on “Truck On This, GM

  1. Anonymous says:

    Bohanon is back and in the studio folks! Good to have you back! Although I wouldn't have pegged you for a Ford Truck (or any domestic truck for that matter) fan. How 'bout some commentary on the political shit show that's going on now and “sound bite” loving America.

  2. I appreciate the compliment, person-whose-name-I-don't-know-but-who-has-already-formulated-an-opinion-on-my-truck-preferences. The truth is yes, I am a Ford man. Ford makes good cars, didn't go bankrupt, and has created some of the most legendary race cars in history, from the Escort Cosworth to the Ferrari-pimp-slapping GT40. And what's GM done? Lost $2,700 per second for the last few years, and NASCAR, which requires some skill but has also made 200-mph cars with huge V8s boring. And that's a crime.

    As to your suggestion, I don't do politics unless they deal with science. I just don't care. I appreciate the suggestion (it's the second one ever), but don't hold your breath.

  3. Gear Head says:

    Ok, so I know this is a few months late, but a third party went and did the pull off with the new trucks. Here's the link to one of the articles, the other is on diesel power magazine's website.

    http://news.pickuptrucks.com/2010/11/chevy-vs-ford-in-heavy-duty-rumble-in-the-rockies.html

    If you've read it, kindly ignore this, as you now know what it says. I am not happy that Chevy took the bailout money and has made sub-par cars for years, but you do have to give them credit for turning themselves around, even if it was forced on them by money and the government.

  4. Boy Genius says:

    Wow. I stand humbled. Numbers don't lie, and regardless of why it happened, Ford got its ass kicked. I will add some caveats to that though.

    First, that's a very specialized task. Almost no one will ever push their trucks to 96% of capacity, so it raises the question of whether those are the most relevant standards to be testing.

    Second, I can't help but admire Ford's new engines. I added a link to the test at the bottom of this comment, but the gist is that they put Ford's 3.5L V6 against Chevy's 5.3L V8 and Dodge's 5.7L V8, and towed a 9,000 pound trailer up a 5% grade. Ford DESTROYED the other two, and that's an engine that gets 23 MPG.

    I'll grant that Ford lost the massive truck test, but in more common day-to-day usage and given all the other cars the three companies make, I'm still a Ford man.

  5. Gear Head says:

    True. I think it was a test just to push the trucks to the extreme, and you are absolutely correct. Those trucks will probably never see even 50% load capacity unless they are doing that kind of hauling or maybe snowplowing, but that's a stretch. Ford's new engines are quite amazing though. Just out of curiosity, was the 3.5L the ecoBoost engine, or the naturally aspirated six, and where is the article?

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