Read that headline and tell me you’re not immediately riveted. This isn’t a stupid story, it’s just pretty much the most awesomest piece of news I’ve ever read. The story comes from Canberra, Australia, where a couple were woken in the middle of the night by something breaking violently through their window. Their first impression was that it was “a lunatic ninja coming through the window,” says Beat Ettlin, the man of the house. “It seems about as likely as a kangaroo breaking in.” Valid point, sir. But a kangaroo it was, and a big fucker at that. The kangaroo, standing at nine goddamn feet long, smashed through the window, cut itself quite badly, and started…wait for it…jumping on the bed with Beat and his wife and son still in it. The kangaroo was splattering blood everywhere, destroying the furniture, and terrifying the children, so Beat called upon the badass reserves that all Aussies seem to posess. The ones that make Eric Bana be an awesome actor and a rally driver in his spare time. The ones that make strapping men with hats discuss what things are and are not knives. Beat Ettlin, in this case, used his natural badassery to rid the house of this pest. And by “pest” we mean “giant animal that kills people by kicking them”. “Roight,” we imagine him saying as he rolled up his sleeves, “toime to get this bloody thing outa heah.” He then proceeded to climb up on the bed, put the 200-pound marsupial in a headlock, and drag it out his front door. He chucked it out into the yard and it ran away. You know those “my dad is stronger than your dad” contests that young boys have? This kid wins all of those forever. End of story.
– Kangaroos are bat-shit crazy
– Do not wake an Australian man in the middle of the night
– Do not break his windows
– Do not break his furniture
– Do not get blood on his children
– Or he will fucking kill you