I MIGHT ALIENATE SOME FANS WITH THIS…

I’m going to make a statement that many of you may find controversial, but SCREW YOU GUYS, I AM THE VOICE…OF A GENERATION, AND—sorry, I got a little Kanye there.  My point is that I have never shied away from saying things that a large number of people disagree with.  But don’t call me a hero.  Don’t call me a revolutionary. I’m not looking for validation.

With that said, I’m going to throw this out there: these abs are not that good.

Presumably most of you recognize them, which is notable in itself, but seriously now, let’s be honest.  Let’s look at them in detail.  First of all, up in the ribs region you have a lumpy, misshapen blob that looks like a freshman girl’s legs after the keg parties have started to kick in.  There are in fact muscles there, but you can’t see them because he never works them out.  Same goes for the muscles between the ribs, the obliques off on the sides, the abs above the ones you see and the two sets below them.  An honest assessment will reveal that that is, in fact, a two-pack with funky cleavage between them and really strange dimples off to the sides.  No one likes a two-pack.  A two pack is nine dollars of beer that your roommate drank six dollars worth of.  It’s sad.  And of course, the mandatory penis-V and the revelation that you shave your pubes by wearing your pants Way Too Low.

Now, normally a two-pack would not be a problem.  The vast majority of people do not have abs that are nice to look at.  The majority of people, in fact, are gross and fat.  I live in the least obese county in the country and there are still too many people here flaunting bodies that should remain safely wrapped in sweat suits forever.

But this is a man so all-consumingly confident in his own physique, and specifically his abs, that he has named them.  Then, in a weird and vaguely homoerotic act of recursive self-worship, he named himself after them.  It’s really unfortunate.

Shouldn’t he actually have some?

Here is what a set of abs looks like when all of the muscles are worked out.

And you know who those belong to?

Ryan Reynolds.  The creepy male nurse from Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle.

Step it up, Mike.