Think of the awesomest, most terrifying, most awe-inspiring natural phenomenon that’s ever made you lie awake crying at night, praying to whatever you pray to that it doesn’t exist in your area and will never come to hurt you or those close to you until you stagger, weeping, to your computer to Wikipedia everything about this phenomena and are finally sufficiently reassured of its rarity to shuffle, whimpering, back to bed for a night of shallow and fitful sleep.
Got it? Good.
Now watch this.
That’s a motherfucking tornado of fire, and it will ruin everything you’ve ever loved. Here’s why:
If it’s near you, then that means that
1) Something near you is on fire.
That’s generally bad, but what’s worse is that it also means
2) Something near you is a tornado.
That’s almost universally accepted as being a bad thing to be near, and if you’re already on fire, it’s probably not going to help to have really strong winds fanning the flames of your demise. Also
3) A tornado flings shit around.
Normally, that’s a hazard. Tornadoes drop cars, boats, pieces of roof, they can even cut your head off with flying windowpanes. Mythbusters tested it. Now imagine all that shit being flung around is on fire. Yeah. Scary. Oh, and
4) Nowhere is safe.
You’re probably thinking that tornadoes only happen in wide open, flat areas that have enough space for big masses of hot air to collide, rise, and make tornadoes, right? Like Oklahoma? Wrong. That’s generally true, but you know what else is a good source of hot, rising air?
A GODDAMN FIRE.
You may cry now.