This is a collection of three parking-ticket-related stories, in order from bitch to badass. Enjoy.
This is Janice Eberle.
|I still do not understand why all these people in my stories are so ugly.|
She owns a Mercedes ML350 SUV and lives in Danvers, Mass. One day, she parked in a handicapped spot at a local supermarket and received a $300 ticket. Why? Because she’s not handicapped. Rather than just admitting that she’s a horrible person who kicks puppies and paying the ticket (remember, she owns a Mercedes), she’s now suing the town of Danvers to have the ticket rescinded.
“I don’t deny that it was wrong, but under the circumstances, the torrential rains, everything, the ticket I couldn’t even read it was soaked within two seconds”
That’s right. It was raining. And we all know that not wanting to get wet is at LEAST as important as having a physical disability that renders you unable to cover 200 feet without stopping (the least serious condition that qualifies you for a MA disabled plate). Oh, but it gets better. She claims recent shoulder surgery rendered her handicapped for the day.
“At the time I was still in a full sling”
Right, which prevented you from walking? Didn’t think so.
“I was still on medication”
Either you were too drugged to drive, or you were sober enough to walk. It’s a lose-lose here.
“and I have a huge scar . . .”
NO ONE GIVES A SHIT ABOUT YOUR ARM. IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOUR ABILITY TO WALK IN THE RAIN. SUCK IT UP AND GET RAINED ON, YOU WHINY SACK OF FLESH.
The best part of the video, which I can’t embed but you can watch here, is that they then interviewed a couple of locals to see if they sympathized. My favorite is this woman.
Not only does she have a fantastic Massachusetts accent, but she seems personally offended by the story. She says, “You got no right to pahk theah. I don’t care what the circumstance is, she’s got a sore ahm or whatevah. I have a sore ahm . . .” at which point the camera pans down to reveal this:
She’s also in a sling, and has somehow dragged herself all the way across the parking lot to the store despite her grievous injuries. She does not even seem to be wincing in pain as she talks, though perhaps the sunglasses are there to hide her tears.
Granted, it’s not raining.
The Innocent Bystander
This is James Allan.
|A dashing fellow.|
He is standing next to a “No Parking” sign, holding a parking ticket. In front of that sign, at the time the ticket was received, was his car. The problem is that when he parked his car there, the sign had not yet been installed.
You see, James had been parking his car in the same spot in front of his house for 13 years, and there had never been a sign. Then one day, Staten Island just threw one in and promptly ticketed him. When he found the ticket, the cement around the sign was still wet. According to officials, it’s always been a no-parking zone, there just wasn’t a sign until now, and they have no explanation of why not.
James is fighting it, mainly because it’s bullshit.
A man in Australia recieved a parking ticket and wrote a letter to mitigate it. Here is his letter.
And here is the City of Melbourne’s response:
Done and done.
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