I’m Beginning To Like This Game.

Do you remember it?  It’s the game where I show you some really strange picture and ask if you know what it is, and you don’t.  Here you go.

Oh.  Dear.  God.
I’m guessing that the majority of you immediately had (mostly) unwelcome thoughts of green face-pubes, then took a deep breath and a step back, then took a look again, at which point your depraved brains couldn’t think of a single rational explanation for this photo and jumped right back to face-pubes.

I’m not sure I can help.

It’s called the Green Screen (clever) and when it’s not occupying your oh-god-my-lower-face-has-been-replaced-by-topsoil-and-sod nightmares, it’s serving its intended purpose as a “mouth sheath.”  In addition to being an inaccurate term—it doesn’t actually sheath your mouth—that has got to be the most disturbing name possible for a consumer product intended to be placed over your breathing holes.  It sounds like some kind of alien condom/torture device.

Or something like this.

And the unappealing descriptions just keep on coming.  Check this out:

“Made with pulp derived from fungal spores, along with seeds that eventually sprout . . .”

Well that sounds delicious.  Apparently, this delightful little face garden is also eco-friendly (of course), and here’s how.

Besides creating a barrier against germy invaders, the reusable face mask also acts as a miniature ecosystem for the embedded seeds. With every breath exhaled, carbon dioxide and moisture facilitate the germination and growth of the budding flora.

And apparently, an average person expels 456 liters of carbon dioxide a day, so if we can sequester all of it then the world will be saved hooray OMGLOL!  Except not.

456 L of CO2 contains half a pound of actual carbon, and grass is 85% water, meaning that mouth sheath is going to have to get 1.7 pounds heavier per day to collect it all.  Which is absurd, because the grass clippings from a yard that’s been growing for two weeks, in my experience, weigh about 5 pounds, and my yard’s a hell of a lot bigger than the tiny green bush (ha) in the photo.

But what’s it actually for?  It’s a face mask designed to “filter airborne bacteria away from delicate nasal passages,” like those ones that people wear for SARS, H1N1, or living anywhere in urban China, which sounds great until you remember that it’s made out of fungal spores and seeds.

Fucking design students.

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