An Open Letter To Drivers Of BMW 3-Series

Dear . . . you,

Stop it.  I do not mean that you should stop driving, nor that you should stop owning a car, nor even that you should use slightly less hair gel—it’s “pea-sized,” not “peach-sized”—every morning.  I mean that you should stop buying BMW 3-Series.  Why?  Because essentially, when people see you in your Beemer, they think one of three things.

1. “___________________”

This is most people.  Most people care less about cars than the Pope cares about punishing pedophiles, and they will not notice that you exist until they try to turn on to the highway with fifteen yards to spare in a Scion xA, thinking they can go 0-65 in five seconds which they totally can’t because it has less horsepower than literally every other car on the market right now and you have to swerve around them, honking and flipping them off, and they blink bewilderedly like a puppy that has just been smacked on the nose and doesn’t know why as they trundle their way to 40 miles an hour.  These people are absolutely indifferent to the fact that you drive a 3-Series.  They simply do not have the mental capacity to care.

2. “OMG A BMW!”

This is basically everyone else.  Unfortunately, drivers of 3-Series, this is also you.  It saddens me to see this kind of ignorance in the world of cars, but you, drivers, have embraced it wholeheartedly.  We all know what happened.  You got your communications degree, landed a job making more than 50 grand a year, bought the douchiest Oakley glasses you could find, and abandoned every shred of integrity you ever had.

They even come in a Livestrong version for additional douchetastic power.

You decided you needed a car.  You’re a smart guy (after all, you’ve got a communications degree), so you decided to do some research.  Then you went out with your bros, did SoCo-and-Keystone car bombs all night, woke up the next morning and decided research is for pussies, and bought the first car under $50,000 with a BMW badge on it because BMWs are cool, right?  I heard that somewhere.

Wrong.  BMWs are not cool.  BMW makes nine different cars in 52 different trim styles, and not a single one of them would be my first choice in any price range.  The number of them that would even be on the list for a given price range could be counted on one hand.  On the other end of the spectrum, BMW also makes what Jeremy Clarkson calls “the worst car ever” and many like it.  Luckily for you, sirs, no one knows that.  All they know is that BMW is supposed to be a good brand of car (thanks to brilliant marketing to non-car people), and so they and you think that the 3-series is a good choice.

This is what car lovers see, and they don’t like it.
This is what everyone else sees, and they have tiny orgasms for some goddamn reason.

 All most people see is the logo, and that’s all they know.  There are, however, exceptions.  And that brings me to:

3. “Oh God.  A BMW.”

This is the group that actually knows about cars.  They know that there is always a better alternative to a given BMW, unless one wants a BMW keyfob, in which case one, meaning you, dear driver, is an idiot.

It looks like the key to a Tonka Truck, for god’s sake.

Let’s take an example.  Observe the only BMW that I actually like, the BMW M5.

It’s ugly, but fast.  Like Danica Patrick.
The BMW M5 has four doors, a giant, five-liter V10 with 500 horsepower that propels it from 0-60 in 3.8 seconds and around the Nurburgring in eight minutes and thirteen seconds.  Look at you, 3-Series drivers.  You’re drooling, aren’t you?  Quit it.
That right there is an Audi RS 4.  It has four doors and a 4.2-liter V8 that puts out 420 horsepower.  It is slower 0-60 and it has a lower top speed.  It also laps the ‘Ring four seconds faster and costs twenty thousand dollars less.  In other words, on any track, the RS 4 will kick the M5 in the face and make it ask for more.
But you don’t care about that, do you, 3-Series drivers?  You don’t care that for the same money as a 335i xDrive sedan, you could get a better, faster car from Audi, Mercedes, Jaguar, Lexus, Volvo, Cadillac, Lincoln, even Buick.

Hell, the new Ford Taurus SHO is better looking and has an engine that’s both more efficient and more powerful and costs a hell of a lot less.  Just for perspective, I went onto the online configurator and clicked every single option on both cars.  On both cars, you can get metallic paint, automatic high beams, a nav system, smartphone integration, iPod adapter, satellite radio, auto-dimming mirrors, a power rear sunshade, keyless entry, and parking assist.  On the Ford, that’ll all run you a little under three grand.  On the BMW, that whole pretty little parcel of trinkets will cost $12,450.  That leaves you $9500 to trick out your Ford with rain sensing wipers, rear heated seats, heated and cooled front seats, a power moon roof, adjustable pedals, a rear view camera, ambient lighting, and blind-spot warning system.  Oh wait, those are all standard.  I was down to picking the most retarded and superfluous options possible (chrome sideview mirror caps, $86), and the Ford still costs ten grand less.

So do you see what I mean now, you slicked-back automatons, you cliche-enforcers, you blindly brand-loyal morons?  What you have done is make the wrong choice.  If you want an expensive German sedan, buy Audi.  If you want the fastest possible car under $50,000, buy an Evo and put twenty grand in mods in it.  And if you want comfort, luxury, lots of features, a fantastic engine, and unbelievable value for money, buy the Ford Taurus SHO, the Lincoln MKS EcoBoost, the Buick LaCrosse, the Cadillac CTS-4, or something like that.  If you want to continue wasting your money on a hood logo, buy BMW.  Because you know what feature the Ford doesn’t come with?

Note: Smiles are not a standardized unit of distance.  Or joy.

Insipid marketing shit like this.

I rest my case.

4 Thoughts

  1. Oh Boy Genius, it's good to have you back entertaining your masses. Excellent work on your 100th post.

  2. Cocks… Except that Jeremy says that Audi owners are the new cocks and BMWs are now OK. Of course, this is six months after your post as I'm just discovering your blog, but…

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