People Being Bad At Being People

These just keep piling up, so I’m lumping them into one post.

Our first contestant is Jesse Cox, a 27-year-old man from Michigan.  Jesse was married once before, and it kinda sounds like he and his wife didn’t end on the best of terms.

One day, Jesse got a wild hair up his ass and headed over to the ex’s house.  She wouldn’t let him in.

Because he’s an ugly motherfucker.

Now, Jesse didn’t take too kindly to women who didn’t take too kindly to him, so he broke the door down and went in anyway.  The ex called the cops, who showed up and asked him to come outside.  Jesse was disinclined to aquiesce to their request.

Just as ugly, but more articulate and has a monkey.  Win.
Now, we all know that the best way to convince the cops that you’re not a bad person is to threaten them with physical violence, so Jesse did that, adopting a “fighting stance”and trying to punch one of the officers.  In return, the cop pulled a taser.  At this point, Jesse had three options:
1) Get tasered.  This is apparently no fun, and should be avoided.
2) Calm the fuck down.  This is quite a simple option, and leads to the avoidance of option 1, e.g. not getting tasered.
3) Grab your two-year-old daughter, who heard mommy and daddy fighting and came out, and hold her up in front of you so the cops won’t taser you.
Jesse chose the third one.  Now, we’ve all hidden behind someone to avoid getting squirted by a water gun or having snowballs thrown at us, but this is different.  This is called using human shields, and it’s a violation of the Geneva Convention and actually considered, on a large scale, to be a war crime.  Which are frowned upon.  The situation was resolved when the ex-wife grabbed the kid from him and the cops, unobstructed, tackled the shit out of him.
Since a taser is not a deadly weapon and Jesse isn’t a Somali rebel, it’s not considered quite as serious (it’s just second-degree child abuse), but Jesse is facing four years in prison, where he will be passed around like a peace pipe for fucking with little kids.
Our second citizen of the year is Crystal Gardner.
Also an ugly mother.  Except actually a mother.
Crystal owned a Ford Expedition, but she wasn’t up on her payments, so the repo man came a-callin’.  He was in the middle of janking her car straight out of the driveway, which they’re totally allowed to do, when Crystal decided she wasn’t okay with that.  Thinking quickly, she decided to throw her 1-year old infant into the back seat through the window.

Wait, what?

Child care experts recommend “not tossing” among activities to do with your child, so Crystal’s not doing too great right off the bat.  That said, it’s illegal to repossess an occupied vehicle in Texas, so the repo guy had no choice but to put it in park and got out.  The situation then got a whole lot more white trash when her associate, 15-year-old Jessie Reyna (no idea who this kid is or why he’s there, by the way), came out with a goddamn shotgun and shot the repo man in the leg.  He got away with minor injuries and the car, and the other two are being charged with lots of unfortunate things.

The final exemplary human on this list goes by the name of Harry Weisiger.  Let’s take it from the top.  Mark Duren is a normal man with a daughter and a Toyota Camry.  He was driving said daughter home from school in said car when Harry Weisiger pulled up next to him, pointed to the back of the Camry, and flipped him off.

Why are all these people so ugly?

Why was he flipping off such a nice man?  Because Mark Duren had the misfortune of not being a neo-conservative wackjob, and as such had an Obama-Biden ’08 sticker on the back of his beigemobile.  Weisiger apparently is that special kind of crazy person who can be consumed with unreasonable, blinding anger over an adhesive vinyl representation of someone’s political affiliations, so rather than confine himself to mere verbal abuse, he waited until the next stop sign, honked a whole darn bunch, and then decided to physically ram Duren with his SUV, smashing in the bumper.

What was probably on the car.

What Weisiger apparently saw.

Duren slowed down to deal with it, and Weisiger hit him again.  After getting his bumper all jacked up, Duren continued to be a non-insane person and decided to pull over and get out to address the damage, at which point Weisiger rammed his car up over the curb with his SUV.

Eventually the cops showed up, and Weisiger has been charged with felony reckless endangerment and also being a douchetastic penisface.

That’s all I’ve got for right now, but rest assured, there are a lot of penisfaces in the world.  I will find more, and your hunger for idiocy will be satisfied.

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