Here’s the thing about concept cars. They’re specifically designed to be way crazier than the end result. They’re about showing off design ideas and engineering feats, and since they’re not restricted by…you know, reality, they can be as outlandish and unreasonable as their designers want. And their designers are all on drugs. It’s a way to say “Look how pointy/shiny/terrifying we can make this! Yes, yes, we’ll totally make it less pointy/shiny/terrifying when it goes to production, but for now look how pointy/shiny/terrifying! Yay!!!”

Large Image

This, for example, is the Amoritz GT DR7. If it ever goes to production, it will have doors, it will have mirrors larger than Tic-Tacs, and it will not have 30-inch wheels. Nor will it be made of ethereal hellfire. It may be red.

The sad part kicks in when they have to be fattened for airbags, heightened so you can see out of them, and shortened so you have a hope in hell of actually parking the damn thing, and that leads to a conundrum.

Pictured: a conundrum.
Pictured: a conundrum.

Do you make the concept wild and crazy so people who don’t know everything I’ve just told you will be extra excited and blog about it, only to be followed by crushing disappointment when it looks nothing like that?

Exhibit A: The Chevy Volt. Though to be honest, that concept is hideous.

Or do you make a concept that actually looks like the final production model, running the risk of it not being outlandish enough to attract media piranhas?

Exhibit B: The Jaguar XF.  Concept on top.
Exhibit B: The Jaguar XF.

Anyway, that’s my intro to concept cars. Today I found an article on Walyou (written by someone with a very tenuous grasp of English, cars, and common sense) entitled “20 Extraordinary Car Concepts That Should See The Light Of Day,” and I disagree with every single one (though I’m not going to address all of them). So without further ado, the reasons why.

The CityAnts


Why You’re Supposed To Like It:
It’s all-electric, small, and eco-friendly. Same concept as a Smart ForTwo, only . . . different.

Why It’s Stupid:
It’s absolutely unusably tiny, it looks like an insect, and it has miniscule wheels and no ground clearance, virtually guaranteeing that as soon as you hit a pothole you’ll shatter the electric motors in the hubs and be laughably stranded in the middle of the city. Also it has no mirrors.

Quote From Walyou:

“uses electric hubs to get the daily dose of fuel.”

This is an entirely meaningless and self-contradictory statement.

The Peugot Globule


Why You’re Supposed To Like It:
It’s electric, of course, but the part that ignorant non-car journalists are drooling over is the fact that it’s modular. You can kind of make out that it has four little globulets inside it, and apparently it’s supposed to be able to rearrange those globulets inside the outer skin to form a diamond shape or…well, this.

Just say it. It’s a dildo.

Why It’s Stupid:
There is literally not a single shred of explanation as to how in the hell it’s supposed to do that. That outer skin is supposed to be made of “very flexible polymer covering,” which is a material specifically designed to cover plot holes in sci-fi movies. Somehow, this material will be flexible enough to defy the laws of physics, but strong enough to spit in the laws of physics’ face and laugh. That light at the front magically rearranges itself, the hood ornament stays centered through principles of because-I-said-so, and apparently it’s even supposed to be able to rearrange itself vertically (for parking), where it absolutely will tip over and kill you and your loved ones. You may have noticed a resounding lack of ways to get into the dildo as well, which is addressed in the concept drawings by inserting arrows in a door-opens-here kind of way. It is what happens when French people take acid and are set in front of sophisticated graphic design software.

Quote From Walyou:

“With an unconventional design, it does away with the idea that green cars look boring.”

Also the idea that cars have to have wheels, doors, windows, or be remotely physically possible.

RCA Concept Car


Why You’re Supposed To Like It:
It’s eco-friendly in the vague kind of way where you can just say things like “energy” and “materials” and no one will ask if you actually have any idea how to power it. At least this one has wheels.

Why It’s Stupid:
Look at it. There is no room for a person in there, and if there is then those wheels are gigantic. Maybe that’s where they’re putting the hub-mounted motors, because there’s certainly nowhere else to put a propulsion system.

Quote from Walyou:

“Those who think that eco-friendly cars are not great to look at, must check out the RCA Concept Cars.”

Where you will have all your suspicions confirmed.

The Hydrogen Car For Peugeot


Why You’re Supposed To Like It:
I really don’t know. I suppose it’s spacious, airy, and you get to use a joystick, which is cool. And if you could make the wheels rotate independently, it’d be incredibly maneuverable. And it’s hydrogen-powered.

Why It’s Stupid:
Peugeot seems to have a trend going here. My first concern is structural integrity, since there are no parts holding the sides together. The fact that the wheels seem to be made of glass is slightly disconcerting, as well as the fact that if you get a chip in the glass, it’ll cost a bazillion dollars to fix. And I know the glass will crack, because there is not even the possibility of suspension on this device. If you crash, you’ll die without a shadow of a doubt, and if you hit the brakes too hard, you’ll just lock up and roll in a lopsided and nauseating fashion.

Quote From Walyou:

“What some people may not like is the lack of privacy the vehicle poses.”

Also the fact that it makes no sense at all.

The Yamaha Wheel Rider Concept


I’m not even going to bother. It has no windows and it will, without question, fall over. Enough said.

The Scarab-E Concept


This one actually makes a tiny bit of sense and looks a tiny bit feasible in an I’m-a-concept kind of way, but the Walyou description says “Thanks to its unconventional looks, it sure looks glamorous and is easily manoeuvrings too.” No way I’m going to ignore that.

The Lexus Transparent Car


This is in the Avant Garde category, presumably because someone at Walyou thinks it’s an actual concept car. Their criticism? It’s “totally out of this world, and the people who are outside can virtually see what’s going on inside the car. Not a great idea for perverts in the backseat.” My criticism is that you’re a fucking idiot. This one can’t even be criticized for being a stupid concept because it’s not a concept. It’s a plastic model of the (then) upcoming LF-A, and its only purpose is to look cool and attract car show attendees so they can be told that the RX 350 isn’t that bad a car, really, when you get to know it.

Except it totally is. It's a Toyota RAV4 (good car), wrapped in ugly bodywork, with less features, and for $18,000 more. For which price you could get an Audi Q5 which is better in every way and doesn't have the word Lexus anywhere about its person.
Except it totally is. It’s a Toyota RAV4 (good car), wrapped in ugly bodywork, with less features, and for $18,000 more. For which price you could get an Audi Q5 which is better in every way and doesn’t have the word Lexus anywhere about its person.

The Flux


It is “a super cool personal vehicle that has been inspired by the Red Bull energy drink. It sure shall grab a lot of attention.” First of all, no it’s not, and second of all, no it won’t. It will never be made because it looks like it’s built from an actual Red Bull can, no one likes carving cars, it has no motor, and it’s made of sticks.

The Jet Scooter


According to Walyou, this is “expected to reach any place with the blink of an eye.” Well that doesn’t make sense, so what about how it works? It doesn’t have wheels or wings, so I assume you just drag it along the ground? Oh no. It works “on magnetic force.” That is literally the entire explanation. Suffice it to say that this makes even less sense than the dildomobile. It’s not a concept if you don’t have any concept of how it works.

The Walyou article finishes with this: “These concepts and several more make us look forward to great conceptual cars. Concepts turning into reality could be a dream, but that should not stop us from dreaming about driving these machines some day.”

Yes it should. You are being a moron. This whole thing reminds me of a friend of mine who has lots of outlandish and crazy ideas, but hangs out with the likes of me and another friend, who insist on injecting the pesky voice of reason into his head. When we do—to the point where his ideas have no merit whatsoever anymore—he get’s upset that we’re taking his great ideas and making fun of them.

He is not alone, so listen up. If what you say does not make sense, don’t say it. I am here to make the world a more reasonable place, however slowly or incrementally I have to do it, and I will not hesitate to call you out. If I crush your fanciful ideas in the process, I’m not sorry.

Stop saying stupid shit.

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