Very Possibly The Most Useless Thing Ever Created

That is not a statement I make lightly.  There are a lot of products out there that are pathetic to the point that they can really only be described as useless, but that still retain some kind of utility (I’ve reviewed a crapload of them right here).  For example, the freezing trash can does still hold trash, so it’s better than no trash can at all.  This one, however, is not.

By now I’m sure you’re skeptically assuming that I’m engaged in my usual hyperbole.  If you have the ability to raise only one eyebrow, you’re probably doing that.  Given my history, it’s a reasonable reaction.  But not this time.  Here you are.

The bar for you-have-got-to-be-kidding-me has been raised.

That is the creatively named Treadmill Bike.  I’m going to take you through the reasons to own this thing given on the website bit by bit, so . . . so it won’t hurt as much.  I’m sorry . . . but this has to happen.

Running on a treadmill on a beautiful day seems like a shame when you could be enjoying blue skies and fresh air.

Yes it does.  So why the fuck are you running on the treadmill when it’s a beautiful day out, you gelatinous man-blob?  Here’s a thought: rather than not going outside and enjoying blue skies and fresh air, you could just . . . do those things.  This is one of those things that is quite literally too simple to explain.  What do the makers of TB—and yes, my association of this device with a lethal, flesh-eating lung disease is intentional—suggest?

So why not take the treadmill for a stroll?

Oh dear.  That is not correct.  See, let me explain a treadmill.  When you run, you move your glutinous thighs back and forth, and forward motion of some (probably negligible) kind ensues.  If you’re indoors and have no room to move negligibly forward, you get on a rolling belt of rubber which moves under you as you wobble towards Oprah’s face on a tiny TV screen.  That way you don’t thrust your bulbousness through the wall when you run out of floor.  End result: motionlessness.  If you take it outside and use it to move forward, you are consciously adding a middleman to the most basic process in the entire bank of human knowledge.

The Treadmill Bike offers the same fat burning benefits of a conventional treadmill without the membership fees.

No it doesn’t.  It offers you the opportunity to push really hard against the handlebars of a very long, narrow moving sidewalk while moving slowly forward and looking like a giant douchenozzle.

Imagine running through evergreen forests or strolling down country roads. All of this is possible thanks to the rugged design and all terrain tires on the revolutionary Treadmill Bike.

No it isn’t.  That rugged design they’re referring to is one length of pipe.  That’s one less than a normal bike.  And the all-terrain tires?  They’re mounted to these:

Yes.  Those.  Yes.

Those are 12″ chrome spinners.  On the treaddouchemillnozzlebikemobile.  And we all know if there’s one thing off-roading vehicles have in common, it’s really really small tires with fragile, easily-scratched wheels.  Preferably hooked to vehicles made of a single piece of structural support.

The Treadmill Bike’s hard wearing belt offers a sure grip while protecting your feet from dirt and other contaminants commonly found on the earth’s surface.

Oh my God it so does not.  Wait till it gets wet.  You’ll die a hilarious and unmournable death.  Also, no one uses treadmills to avoid getting their shoes dirty, and if there is anyone who actually does, kill them kill them now.  Also, bikes keep your feet off the ground too.

Because the Treadmill Bike is also a mode of transportation, use it instead of your car for everyday tasks such as shopping, and traveling to school or your place of work.

If you use a car, you can get there faster and carry all your shit.  If you use a bike, you can also get there faster and carry a fair bit of shit.  If you walk, you can carry the same amount of shit as biking and you’ll still actually get there faster.  If you take the TB, you’ll need to wear a backpack and I swear to god if I ever see someone on one of these with a backpack I will cave their fucking skull in.

Thinking of taking the Treadmill Bike to the grocery store? Be sure to stock up on ice cream while you’re there. You will have earned it.

No.  You will have sacrificed your right to experience any kind of pleasure of any kind ever again. That includes sex, though let’s be honest, that’s not a problem you’ll have to address anymore.

Oh well. At least it’s cheaper than a gym, right? Hey, in fact it says so right on the site, it says you can get a “a quality treadmill workout without paying expensive gym prices.”  That’s great, and it is a good reason to buy this over working out in the gym, if your gym costs twenty-five hundred dollars.  At my gym, that would last me over three years.  Here’s four things that cost less than that.

These.

This.

And this.

And also this.  Including the woman.  And her shoes.

And what do those things have in common?

More useful than the Treadmill Bike.

QUASI-UPDATE IN THE SENSE THAT I FINISHED WRITING THIS POST BEFORE I FOUND THIS BUT HADN’T PUBLISHED IT YET AND CAN’T FIND A WAY TO CRAM IT IN (WHICH IS WHAT SHE SAID): Inhabitat, a website/blog that I’ve mentioned before, refers to this contraption as “a creative alternative to both traditional biking and running on a treadmill in the gym.”  You can guess how I feel about that (hint: exasperated).  Inhabitat seems to look at everything solar-, wind-, or human-powered through eco-tinted glasses, regardless of whether they actually do anything.