Funny story. I read that headline, and I tried to think of a way to rephrase it to make it more entertaining than it already is. I failed. So there it is, exactly as it first appeared. Here’s the story.
Lierre Keith is a woman who was a vegan for 20 years, then she decided that the lifestyle was unhealthy (it is) and that agriculture was destroying the world (also true), so she wrote a book called “The Vegetarian Myth” last year explaining these things. Now, let’s just clarify, even though I just said this like ten words ago. It’s a book. Granted, books sometimes provoke people to extreme anger, but who’s this one going to piss off. Vegans? Please. They’re barely people. Here’s the vegan food pyramid.
You’ll also notice that everything on that pyramid sucks and does not count as food. As exciting as bean alternates and fortified soymilk are, it’s not a natural diet. No calcium is bad. Soy products in huge quantities are bad. I don’t know what that turd-looking thing in the upper right is, but it looks terrible. And dosing yourself on vitamins, unless you have an actual deficiency, doesn’t work. You just pee them out, and that’s expensive. Also, there’s no meat. Humans are designed to eat meat, our digestive systems thrive on animal proteins, our whole bodies are designed to be carnivorous.
If anyone tells you that they turned vegan and they feel so much better oh my god you would not even believe Jessica I’m like a new woman, it’s either because they switched to veganism from a diet of mozzarella sticks and ranch dressing, or they’re light-headed. It’s anemia, they’re malnourished. Ignore them.
Regardless of how you feel about vegans, you would probably agree that the phrase “militant vegan” is absurd. Nonetheless, Keith was speaking at her book tour in San Francisco, and she was attacked. Apparently, three people in masks and black sweatshirts ran up to her and threw pies filled with chili peppers at her face and then yelled “Go vegan!” in the most pathetic form of protest ever. Seriously, just picture people screaming that and try not to laugh. But the even more hilarious part is the reaction this has prompted.
According to the article, the incident has “prompted blistering debates on radical Web sites.” Yes, that’s right. Radical vegan websites.
Now, a lot of people are defending Keith’s position, saying that she has a right not to be attacked and also IT’S A FUCKING BOOK ABOUT VEGETABLES. Others, however, are saying that she was “dishonest and abusive to vegans and should not have been invited.” Which is a valid point, because veganism is totally a progressive and eco-friendly lifestyle movement and not a retarded modern hipster eating disorder.
“Police are investigating the incident” and trying not to laugh at the same time I assume, and Keith has . . . sore eyes. From the peppers.
But the best part is from the North American Animal Liberation Press Office, or NAMBLA, which defended the pie-throwers. They say that “Keith was wrong about veganism, referred to her as an ‘animal holocaust denier,’ and scolded her for calling the ‘agents of state oppression’—the police.” They also—and this is choice—called her assailants “masked marvels who made their statement very eloquently and succinctly on behalf of the billions of animals she advocates killing.”
Yes. A pie. In the face. Was eloquent.
Vegans are fucking priceless.