A woman at the Lincoln Park Zoo got bit by a bear.

All in a day’s work.

Oh no! What a savage creature! It must be disciplined properly. What could she possibly have done to provoke it?

Turns out she climbed over more than one barrier and stuck her fucking hand through the bars, holding food, and tried to feed the bear. Since bears are not trained to differentiate between food and people fingers, it just took the whole mouthful.

Then her boyfriend tried to pry the bear’s mouth off her hand because if there’s one thing we know about giant carnivorous animals with sharp teeth, it’s that they absolutely will give up without a fight.

The police captain said she “suffered loss of some fingers,” which it turns out is police speak for got all her fingers on one hand except her pinky torn off.

Oh, and she was 47 years old, and thus firmly in the “no one pities you at all” category, and she brought her 3-year-old granddaughter (kind of scary math there) to the zoo to watch Grandma get mutilated, AND she was drunk. As was her boyfriend.

There is literally nothing I can say to make this woman sound more stupefyingly idiotic than she has already done for herself. I vote they feed the rest of her to the bear.

I leave you with this.

4 Thoughts

  1. This is classic. Evidently outright lost thumb and index with “partially” severed digits 3 and 4 (bird and ring). What's also strange is that this woman was transfered to an ED ~40 miles away for treatment. I'm pretty sure there are some good hospitals in Chicago that could take care of this.

  2. I just bit into an UNREASONABLY DANGEROUS ONION RING!! My gingiva and oral mucosa are blistering and charring as I type. DAMN YOU BOHANON FOR MOCKING MY PAIN!!!

  3. Not only will I mock your pain, but I will once again mock your cowardice in posting anonymously. Both of you, although I have reason to believe you're the same person.

    Suck it up and use a real name. Like cam. Go cam.

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