How To Fuck Your Kid Up Forever

Allow me to paint you a picture. Close your eyes. If you just actually closed your eyes and then realized you couldn’t read through your eyelids, good for you. Anyway, imagine you’re living in central Georgia.
You and your spouse are both 36 years old, and you want to buy a car. You go to a used car dealership and, because you have either no money or absolutely no knowledge of cars whatsoever, decide on a 1998 Dodge Caravan.

Gross.

Then, because you are fiscally irresponsible people, you do not make a single payment for a year, culminating in March of 2009. You now owe a year’s worth of payments (plus interest) to the dealer, so what do you do? Do you:

a) Pay off the money you owe because the car you bought is a piece of shit worth maybe 2 grand and you could make the minimum payments begging on the street.

OR

b) Force your daughter, then 14, to have sex with the 66-year-old manager of the dealership in lieu of payment.

If you answered “a,” you’re correct! You’re probably not stupid enough to buy a car you couldn’t afford in the first place, or to try to skip out on twelve payments if you had, but given the situation, you have chosen wisely.

If you answered “b,” you’re a real couple.

I’ll let that sink in.

Yes, my friends, this actually happened, exactly as I described it. Same car, same place, same ages. If I had their names, I would post them. If I had their address so that you could go there and kill them all with sticks, I would post that too. This isn’t funny, it’s sick. That girl is going to be traumatized in every personal interaction for most of her life. And I bet they go to church every Sunday.

Oh, and the amount they owed, the amount they were willing to sacrifice their daughter’s innocence for? Two hundred and eighty-one dollars. Twenty-four dollars a month.

I know I make light of stupid things people do, but this is so far beyond the normal bounds of human decency that I can’t even process it. This is sociopathic.

I don’t have a pithy one-liner to end this post. Sorry.