Willfully Endangering Your Lady-Parts

Three people have sent me this story, and far be it from me to ignore my constituents.

Here’s the deal. On Saturday, March 6, a fine specimen of woman (pictured) crashed into a pickup on a Florida highway. That’s not especially unusual, considering that from my experience, Florida drivers consider adverse conditions to include humidity, heat, and not being parked. There are, however, several aspects of this story that make it far more interesting.

1) She crashed because she was shaving her “bikini area,” as the news agencies put it (“vagina” for the grown-ups in the room). Apparently she was going to her boyfriend’s house and wanted to spruce up a bit so she’d be “ready for the visit.” Everyone likes a well-trimmed ladyscape, but please do that at home. The idea of wielding a device specifically designed to cut things near one’s genitals while driving is frankly terrifying, even if we completely ignore the fact that she was doing this with no shaving cream.

More than you can possibly imagine…

Put it this way: I occasionally cut my face shaving with no distractions, a mirror, and solid ground. There is no amount of money you could pay me to stab blindly at my man-business with a sharp object with one hand while attempting to control a moving vehicle with the other hand.

As expected, this is a Google Images result for “man-business.” Ignore the fact that you can’t see his hand.

2) But it’s cool, she wasn’t driving. There was a man in the passenger seat, holding the wheel. That’s sketchy. I’ve done that for friends while they take their sweatshirt off or open a container with both hands, neither of which lasts more than a few seconds, and it’s still scary. Holding the wheel while your lady-friend drops trou and trims the hedges is pure madness. But wait, I hear you say, lady friend? I thought she was going to her boyfriend’s house? Who’s the creeper in the passenger seat watching her thatch her woman-cottage? That brings me to my next point.

3) He was her ex-husband. Take a moment to ponder how fucked up that is. This woman was driving to her boyfriend’s house for a conjugal visit, so one has to wonder why he was even in the car. What was he planning to do, wait outside? Not only that, but he agrees to hold the wheel while she tidies herself for the boyfriend. The kind of emotional issues that accompany watching your ex-wife sexually ready herself for another man while driving are deep-seated and also hilarious.

Guess what flag this is.

Honestly, the cop should have just shot them both when he showed up on scene. We really don’t need this kind of person reproducing, and it would not surprise me if the technological nuances of condoms were equally beyond her.

Manscape responsibly, kids.