Sharp? No. Tools? Often. I Give You Country Singers.

Darryl Worley – Sounds Like Life To Me

Hi. I’m a bad friend. And also a dick.

The Message You’re Supposed To Get:
Life sucks, but keep your head up and you’ll be fine.

The song starts with a phone call to Darryl from his buddy’s wife, explaining that Johnny Ray fell off the wagon and she doesn’t know where he is. A bar has apparently not occurred to her. Darryl says that he knows his friend, so he heads down to Skully’s. Now, at this point it becomes apparent that Darryl either does not know his friend, as his first instinct to find a previously sober man is a bar, or that he is stupid. As you will see, there are cases to be made for both. Anyway, Darryl goes to the bar and asks his best friend, who is clearly depressed, what’s wrong.

His friend, in great detail, explains that his car and washing machine are both broken, the baby has been crying constantly, he hasn’t slept, he just checked his mother into a nursing home, he has three kids and a fourth on the way, on top of which he hasn’t been able to pick up shifts at work and is having a lot of trouble providing for his family through what seems like a brutal set of coinciding hardships. In short, this guy is having a really rough time.

If you have a friend who suffers from depression,
explain to him that his problems are insignificant.
If possible, force him into old addictions in a sadistic celebration of his sadness.
He will feel better.

The Message Darryl Gives You:
Complaining about the very fabric of your life crumbling out from under you is for pussies.

Darryl’s reaction is to tell his friend “Sounds like life to me, it ain’t no fantasy, it’s just a common case of everyday reality”. This is extremely unhelpful. I understand and am a great proponent of honesty when offering advice, but that’s just dickish. When his friend—who for some reason has not yet punched him very hard in the face—goes on to tell him that his problems are even worse than already portrayed (what with the new baby coming), Darryl calls out, “bartender, set us up a round, we need to celebrate!” before going back into his incredibly insensitive chorus.

The Conversation:

Darryl – “Hey man, what’s wrong?”

Johnny – “I’m just having a really rough time.”

“That’s awesome! Sounds like life!”

“Maybe you didn’t hear me. I can’t handle everything I’ve got on my plate right now. Hell, man, I’ve even started drinking again. I don’t know what to do.”

“Yeah, it’s a doozy! Enjoy the ride, man! The way you talk it’s like you’re having a really rough time or something, when clearly you just haven’t embraced uncertainty!”

“Look, I really don’t need this right now, I’m just trying to wrap my head around this. Sarah’s pregnant again! For god’s sake, I can’t provide for the kids I’ve got, let alone another one!”

“Hooray!”

We only get to hear one more chorus before the song ends, after which Johnny Ray presumably breaks his beer bottle on the bar and cuts Darryl’s throat. This song is a back and forth between a man who really needs consolation and a friend who is obliviously unable or unwilling to provide it to him, all while singing cliches.

Diagnosis:
Darryl Worley is either a giant douche or a terrible friend, and also probably stupid.

Toby Keith – As Good As I Once Was

I am extremely unsavory. Instruct your children to scorn me.

The Message You’re Supposed To Get:
You may not be as spry as you used to be, but you can still have fun.

Toby Keith is 48. Few people consider 48 to be “old,” fewer people consider 48 to be “old enough to sing about how old you are,” and everyone considers 48 to be “old enough to be creepy as fuck.”

Creepiness level: as fuck.

This song starts out with Toby in a bar, being approached by a woman named Bobby Jo, who then presents her twin sister Betty Lou. They introduce themselves thusly: “we’re both feeling kinda wild tonight and you’re the only cowboy in this place, and if you’re up for a rodeo, we’ll put a big Texas smile on your face.” Unless you, like most of Toby’s mouth-breathing fans, are so tickled by the rodeo-equals-sex metaphor that you don’t read any further into it, you will notice that the aforementioned greeting is extremely gross and weird. Now what’s Toby, a good God-fearing southern man who posited in his other huge hit that a man should “answer for the wicked that he done”, to do?

The Message Toby Gives You:
Incest is totally cool.

Toby’s response to the twisted sisters’ proposal is wholeheartedly in the affirmative. He says that he’s not as good as he once was (like the song), but there was a time when he “could really lay it down.” According to Urban Dictionary, that has something to do with sex.

Ooh, “other means.” Raunchy.

Essentially, two sisters came up to him and, because there were no other penis-bearing beings in sight, offered themselves unto him completely. And he went for it. The judgment of a man who would jump at anyone that blatantly slutty must already be in question, let alone sisters. Also it just occurred to me that Bobby Jo’s initials are BJ. You sick bastard.

The Conversation:

Bobby Jo – “I am horny and would like something, preferably human, to put its penis in me.”

Betty Lou – “I am equally horny and completely comfortable with the graphic descriptions that sprout from your depraved mind. I also have no problem with engaging in a dirty threesome with my own flesh and blood and a random, preferably human stranger.”

“Look! A man with a penis at the bar! Let’s ask him.”

Toby – “I am absolutely okay with this.”

Diagnosis:
Toby Keith is a sick fuck.

This is only part one. More to follow. There will be a car post in between. Also, here is a cat photo.