Man Sees Something, All Rational Thought Ceases Henceforth

Angus Bohanon: Boy Genius woke up this morning (morning being a loosely applied term) and took a shower. He sat down in front of his computer and started to read through the day’s news. He scowled intelligently.

Apparently, read Angusbohanonboygenius, a man in Jonesborough, Tennessee, woke up a couple of weeks ago and saw Jesus. In the window of his piece of shit Isuzu pickup. No, Jesus was not in the pickup (Everyone knows Jesus buys American), just his face in the dew on the glass. Angusbohanonboygenius examined the photo that came with the story.

Jim Stevens and his pal. And by pal I mean Jesus. He’s everyone’s pal.

He scowled again, even more intelligently. Something was up here. “And by something,” he thought to himself, “I mean that people in Tennessee are even stupider than I thought.” Angusbohanonboygenius does in fact think to himself in that way. He perused the article, written by one Brad Hicks, further. “Stevens, who said he has a “bum shoulder,” was having friends from Rogersville help move some items,” said the article. “He entered his truck from the passenger’s side to put his drink inside the vehicle,” said the article. “He went around the truck to the driver’s side,” said the article. “Holy fucking crap,” thought Angusbohanonboygenius, “this is solid evidence that literally nothing ever happens in Jonesborough, Tennessee, literally ever.” He decided to boil it down for the purposes of the narrative. This guy found that image in his pickup window. He is not a religious man, but was apparently awed by the image, as was everyone else who saw it. The image goes away when the dew dries and comes back when the dew comes back. And most importantly, no one has a fucking clue where it came from.

Angusbohanonboygenius scowled again, even more deeply and with levels of intelligence now bordering on insulting, and did some digging. The story had spread. ABC News had picked up on it. It had even crossed the pond, to a UK website who can’t spell Tennessee. And in every case, emphasis was made on the fact that it has been reappearing for two weeks and that Jim Stevens does not understand how it came to be. Angusbohanonboygenius decided to put a stop to this. He went to talk to Jim Stevens.

ABBG: Hello, Jim.

JS: Hello.

“Explain to me how this picture came to be on your window.”

“Well that’s just the thing, by golly. I don’t have a gosh darn clue how the face of Jesus Christ himself could be on my window. It sure is a head-scratcher!”

“No it is not. Stop that. This is not a head-scratcher. It is not confusing. I know how this image got here. Someone drew it. With their finger. Like every child with access to a glass surface has done a million billion times.”

“But golly…”

“I thought I told you to stop that.”


“Don’t let it happen again. Carry on.”

“I was just gonna point out that it goes away when the water dries up. How do you explain that?”

“Someone drew it.”

“But then it comes back in the morning with the dew…”

“Because someone drew it.”

“But I even rolled the window down and back up and it still comes back…”

“That is because rolling the window down and back up to clean the window is like trying to strip paint by poking tentatively at it with a hot dog. It does not work. Someone drew it with their finger, the oils from their finger stayed, the dew settles on your car, it causes condensation on the inside of the window which does not form on the image because of the oils, case closed. Someone drew it.”

Jim stared at him blankly. Angusbohanonboygenius sighed and glared at him.

“I lost you after hot dog, didn’t I?”

Jim hung his head. “Yes.” He then gradually began to grin, looking perkily upward as his final defense came to him.

“But it looks just like Jesus Christ!”

“That is because,” said Angusbohanonboygenius slowly, rubbing his temples condescendingly, “someone fucking drew it. They had a picture of Jesus Christ and they recreated that image on your window and every single human being on the planet except me then stopped using thoughts.”

Jim was convinced, and no one in the world ever again jumped to their first conclusion without first questioning the logic of their conclusion, ever again.

And this little man became unnecessary.

One can hope.

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