Those Goddamned Animals

I know I’ve been on sort of an animal streak lately, but I was wondering what today’s post might be and several stories came up. You see, man’s relationship with the animal kingdom is a bit odd. We befriend some of them, study others, and mercilessly kill and eat most of the rest. In retaliation, they do lots of weird shit, mostly in Australia. Now the animal kingdom is broadening its horizons. This week’s culprits?

Number 1: A Drunken German Badger
God, I love stories like this. That sounds like the title of a slightly inappropriate children’s book. Here’s what happened. Last Monday, a driver in Germany reported a dead animal on the road to the police. The police responded, only to find when they tried to remove the dead badger that he was not dead. That would scare the living shit out of me. Badgers are not small and cuddly, and if I tried to pick one up and he moved and made a grumbly noise, I would probably scream like a toddler. This one was, according to the police report, “staring at the officers incredulously,” presumably thinking something along the lines of “whoa, dude, cops. Shit.” Turns out the little guy had eaten too many cherries that were a little past their prime, gotten schwastyfaced (not the official wording of the police report), staggered into the road, and passed out until the fuzz arrived. The police decided that the best course of action was to take him away from the road to “sleep off his intoxication in a meadow”. If only college parties were broken up like that.Italic

Number 2: A Bunch of Horny Turtles.
Again, not making this up. This time, we’re in New York City. At JFK airport. On the runway. Doin’ it. At least, if we were turtles we would be. A pilot on a different runway noticed a bunch of little shapes that, on closer inspection, turned out to be 78 turtles making sweet, sweet, turtley love all over one of the busiest runways. Travelers were delayed by about an hour and a half, and it took 35 minutes for the…umm…group to be broken up. According to a spokesman, it’s unclear whether the turtles pair off (orgy) or if the numbers indicate this was a group activity (massive swinging orgy). Either way, that’s probably the first and only time anyone will ever get away with having sex on a runway in NYC and not get either arrested or run over by an airplane. Accomplished by a creature too slow to run from planes or cops, while getting laid at the same time. Mad props.

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