Just Like Real Exercise! But for idiots…

This is one that I set aside to write about a while ago and then forgot about. Just recently I dug it up again. Can anyone guess what this is? If you guessed “his and hers programmable vibrators,” well, you’re wrong. You may have a brilliant marketing idea (patent that immediately), but you’re wrong. That, minions, is the JumpSnap. “What,” you may be thinking, “the fuck is a JumpSnap?” Well pay attention, kids, you’re about to see something really special.

The JumpSnap (spelled as one word for extra trendiness) is a ropeless jumprope. Now you may be thinking that a ropeless jumprope is a stupider idea than a pedal-powered wheelchair, and you’d be right.

Allow me to fill you in on why jumproping is such a fantastic exercise (really, it is) in terms of strength, cardio, reflexes, balance, etc. It’s because *ahemhrm* you actually have to jump over the rope. True. If there’s no rope, then you don’t have to jump and all you’re doing is standing there whipping your wrists around. You may get strong wrists, but to be honest you could do that with chronic masturbation and have a hell of a lot more fun. Apparently, the importance of the rope has not been adequately pointed out the kind people at JumpSnap. The video is here, my commentary is below.

Did you know that the age-old jumprope is one of the most effective fitness and fat-burning activities you can do?

Besides the syntax problems (he’s either saying that the actual object is an activity or that you can do your jumprope), the point is to observe the screenshot. See what that guy’s doing? Jumping rope. Like a real one. Like as in explicitly not the product they’re trying to sell you.

So why aren’t we all doing it? Simple: because it’s not easy.

Ah, you’re so close. You may as well just tell the people of the world that you hate them right here. It’s not easy BECAUSE IT’S AN EFFECTIVE FAT-BURNING ACTIVITY! THAT IS WHY IT WORKS! Also it’s not easy if you’re an amorphous blob like the woman in the video.

Well, all that’s changed. Introducing the world’s first patent-pending computerized ropeless jumprope! Now you can get all the incredible results from jumping rope without any of the difficulties that have prevented us from doing it in the past!

More syntax problems, but what I’d like you to look at is the screenshot. That is the blob from the last screenshot at the peak of her jump. Since “jump” the verb is defined as “to spring clear of the ground or other support by a sudden muscular effort,” she clearly is not doing any such thing. No jump, no rope. Good so far.

Simply enter your height and weight and JumpSnap will coach you through the most efficient, calorie-busting workout you can imagine.

Oh, I bet it will. A workout replete with retarded rocking side-to-side bounces, arm crosses, and spins that would normally require you to be, you know, fit.

It even talks to you to tell you how you’re doing with its onboard computer, counts your calories, number of jumps, exercise time, even lets you set a target time or number of jumps alert to tell you when you’re finished.

That is so cool. An onboard computer. So it must be good. First is the calorie counter, which is an absolute fabrication based on the assumption that you’ve been honest with your height and weight, which if you’ve purchased this (let’s be honest) you haven’t. I guarantee you I could get it to several thousand calories without getting out of bed, and am willing to prove it if JumpSnap will send me a free sample. The number of jumps is a useless statistic except for comparing with other pathetic JumperSnappers, the target time serves the same purpose as the clock on the damn wall, and the number of jumps alert will never ever be used. You know how people who jump real ropes know when to stop? When they can’t clear the rope anymore.

The infomercial then goes on to explain that the JumpSnap makes a real snapping noise so you can keep rhythm. Between that and the talking handle, you’re going to be killed by anyone and everyone else in the gym. With a real jumprope. And just as the lights fade and you slip into eternal sleep, they’ll say, “Let’s see you snap out of this one” or other equally pithy remark.

The commercial wanders its way through CGI wire-frame people whose muscles turn red when they’re being worked out (all of them because it’s awesome) and bar graphs that a kindergartner would be offended by, then gets to the “what’s in the box” section.

Comes with the high-tech JumpSnap handles. It even comes with not one or two but three adjustable weights for each handle, a convenient and sturdy mesh travel bag so you’ll never be without your JumpSnap when you’re away from home, an easy-to-follow 8 minute beginner workout and a more challenging 12-minute intermediate workout. But we’re not done yet. It also includes the JumpSnap Jam Session DVD with heart-pumping and energizing music that will really get you moving, burning calories and having fun, all in just 16 short minutes.

I don’t think I really need to provide any commentary on that. The next section is the testimonials from various globular life-forms and their personal trainers, demonstrating to you how much less globular they have become by shoving the front of their pants towards you in a vaguely frightening manner. And the final quote to clinch it?

See results with only 10-15 minutes per day instead of torturing yourself with boring, lame, repetitive movements on other machines.

Read that once more. Read the word between “lame” and “movements” and then picture the process of jumproping. Picture that in your head for a second. Ponder the meeting that took place that led to the inception of this device. Got all that? Good. I’d like to introduce you to a friend. I don’t bring him out often, but I think now’s the time.
Nice to meet you.