Good gracious me, it’s been 11 days since my last post. I must have a life or something. Anyway.
Jumping right into it, let us observe this headline:
That could be an issue. Basically there were a bunch of kids touring a Tallahassee prison for Take Your Child to Work Day and Walter Schmidt (his friends call him “Einstein”) thought the kiddies might like to see what it’s like to deal with unruly inmates. So he zapped them. With 50,000 volts, or 450 times the shock of your little tyke jamming a fork in an electrical socket.
Not pictured: fun for the whole family.
Apparently two of the kids were physically knocked down by the shock, many received severe burns (you know, from the tasing) and one of them went to the hospital. If one had just traumatized several children with a riot control device as Schmidt, at this point, had, one might start to get the faintest chorus of “Oh, shit, I may not have thought this through” bouncing around in the empty hollows of one’s cavernous Floridian skull. For Walter, not so. He seemed to have no idea that he was doing something…umm…reprimandable. “It wasn’t intended to be malicious,” he said, “but educational”. Listen, Walter. It’s educational when police trainees get tased and get pepper spray in their eyes to keep them from being too trigger happy with their non-lethal weapons. All you have taught these children is that their parents go to work every day with a madman. They will never be able to plug anything in again.
Walter’s idea of Knife Safety Class
At least he was fired, which came as a “big shock” to him, thus setting the record for the most tactless reaction to getting shitcanned ever. That’s like getting fired for sleeping with your boss’ wife and saying “well, fuck me”. His pink slip, more tactfully, said that his “retention would be detrimental to the best interests of the state”. At least he didn’t just do it for fun.
Oh, but this guy did. He took an electric dog collar to his four children (ignore for a moment that there is a woman somewhere that let him impregnate her) because, and I quote, he “thought it was funny”. The kids were 3, 6, 8, and 9, and had each been shocked at least once while wearing the collar, probably more. The man’s statement said that he enjoyed chasing the 3-year-old around, making him cry at the prospect of being shocked again.
Despite the fact that dog collars usually only carry a 9-volt punch, which isn’t enough to harm anyone, that’s fucked up. I vote that instead of the kids being sent to Mom’s house and sending Dad to jail (where he currently is), the following punishment should be given. Kids and Dad stay in the same house, but each child is equipped with a Taser with 2-3 charges in them apiece. Hilarity ensues. Police will be kept on hand to make sure Dad doesn’t do anything crazy, and also to shout “Dance, you pasty fucker! DANCE, I SAID!” at predetermined intervals. Then the kids can go live with Mom and leave Todd Marcum at home to cry in a puddle of his own piss. That seems fair.