John Tesh: Stupid Advice for Stupid People

He offers tips on a ton of different subjects, mostly dieting and keeping the pounds off. He directs these tips at people who apparently have the self-control of an alcoholic at Oktoberfest. Tips like “If you want to eat the samples at the grocery store, dont”. Wow. If you’re the kind of fat person that wants to lose weight but hadn’t thought of that, then I’m sorry, it’s not going to happen. You’re going to die fat. Anyway, I decided to check out his website to see if I could find some examples for you. It turns out that his website is riddled with mockable things to mock him mockingly about, giving worried pet-owning parents the answers to penetrating questions like “Is it true that cats hate babies?” But if you boil all the confusion I have about this guy down into one thing it is this: his audience. I simply don’t get who he’s talking to. Here’s some examples:

1. The Article: Fitness and Nutrition Tips
This one is what prompted me to look at the website in the first place, egged on by radio tips along the lines of “Don’t want to eat bad food? Try not eating bad food!”. This article here says that the key to controlling calorie intake is to eat less and that hunger is your friend. “A little bit of hunger,” it says, “is fine; you simply have to control it”. Well duh. By eating again. Though I don’t think that’s what they’re going for. It also says that chewing more than you normally would makes it “virtually impossible” to overeat. Apparently “chewing food as long as you can prevents you from going on a mindless feeding frenzy,” though I think under scrutiny, that claim might be a bit shaky.

If you chew it a lot, it doesn’t count.

The final tip is to wear red to the gym, because red clothes “increase body temperature and adrenaline” so you get amped up to work out more. I’m gonna go ahead and say that’s crap.

The Target Audience:
Mildly fat, desperately stupid people. These people are maybe 10-30 pounds overweight, vaguely want to lose weight, and haven’t thought of strategies like eating vegetables or, god forbid, walking places. They’d rather take the advice that takes no effort whatsoever, even if it doesn’t make sense. So the next time you see someone in a McDonald’s chowing down on a double quarter pounder with cheese, chewing like a cow and wearing red, you know where they’re getting their advice.

This guy won’t get fat. Although that shirt’s more salmon than red. So maybe a little fat.

2. The Article: Get Closer as a Couple
This one is slightly less laughable than the first one on most counts, suggesting things like kissing for ten seconds twice a day (without a stopwatch, you emotionally stunted freak) and complimenting each other on stuff. The third item on the list, however, deserves a mention. It says that couples need to feel excited by doing fun stuff, like going to new restaurants (tip #5) and things like that. It also suggests outdoor activities, saying that “all you need is a slight sense of danger to get your adrenaline pumping”. I’m all for that, Mr. Tesh, so what’ve you got for us? Tandem skydiving? Windsurfing? A rousing game of croquet? No. “Go canoeing,” he says. Apparently by a “slight” sense of danger he meant “the most minimal amount of danger possible, ideally on a similar danger scale to, say, sitting down. In fact if you could just sit down in a mildly less stable setting, that’d be great”.

WARNING: FALLING OVER MAY OCCUR. IF YOU’RE A DOUCHE.

This is a level of danger on par with mowing your lawn. With blunted scissors. It may be nice to get outside and paddle around and kiss for ten seconds on a lake, but believe me, it’s not the adrenaline.

The Target Audience:
Take the most boring person you can think of and picture them in a canoe. That person.

3. The Article: Internet Addiction
This is a test you can take online (of course) to see if you are addicted to the internet. Not just the generic internet, either (though there is that one). There is one for gaming, one for cybersex that was clearly written by someone who doesn’t really know what that means, one for gambling, one for online auctions, and one that concerned parents can take. I have extracted some of the most baffling questions from each test for your viewing pleasure.

Internet Addiction:
– How often do you block out disturbing thoughts about your life with soothing thoughts of the internet?
– How often do you fear that life without the internet would be boring, empty, and meaningless?

What the fuck kind of people do they think they’re addressing here? I can’t think of a single person that I know that is addicted to “the internet”. you get hooked on a certain game or site or your ratings on Youtube or your rank on Backcountry or something like that, but not just THE internet. That’s idiotic. It’s not the fact that you’re online that’s satisfying, it’s whatever you’re looking at.

Mmmmm, yeah…the internet…

Cybersex Addiction:
– Do you anticipate your next online session with the expectation that you will find sexual arousal or gratification?
– Do you masturbate when having cybersex or looking at online pornography?

No, I look at online pornography for the articles. For god’s sake woman, of course people masturbate to online porn. That’s why it’s there. It’s not a sign of addiction, it’s a sign that you don’t have a girlfriend in the room right at that moment. Although some people are actually into that. Maybe if you say yes to “Do you masturbate when looking at online pornography until your arm cramps and you are too dehydrated to talk and too sore to stand?” then you’re addicted. Maybe. What kind of person thinks of these things?

This kind. No seriously, that’s the actual person who started this site.

Online Auction Addiction:
– Do you use auction houses as a way of escaping from problems or relieve feelings of helplessness, guilt, anxiety, or depression?

Umm…what? Speaking from the point of view of someone who has experienced all of those things in a very real way, I can look back and tell you that buying used shit on eBay wouldn’t have helped. Those are enormously deep-seated problems. In fact, that’s not even funny. Anyone who thinks that people buy stuff to stave off depression has some issues of their own.

The Parent Test – for the completely clueless parent
– How often does your child check his or her e-mail before doing something else?

Right. Because email’s the problem here. Not porn or WoW or MySpace predators, email. How do they move them dang letters through the air? Satanism, that’s how. And lesbians.

– How often does your child receive strange phone calls from new “on-line” friends?

WHAT? Never, unless your child is a complete fucking idiot. No one gets calls from online friends because they’re friends online. With instant messaging and all that crap. And that GODDAMN EMAIL *makes cross sign with fingers*.

– How often does your child seem more tired and fatigued than he or she did before the Internet came along?

Well let’s see, the internet “came along” in 1983, so if I think back 26 years to…how old is your fucking kid? This is absurd.

The Target Audience:
Clinically insane mothers who still think that cats steal air from babies and that the sound of bells drives away demons, who are afraid of the loud noise. Nowadays everyone knows that demons listen to Slayer, so that’s out the window.

So that’s John Tesh, ladies and gentlebeasts. Hope you tittered at least once.