World’s Biggest Jackass

There are plenty of jackasses in this world. There’s the guy in the gondola who wears frameless Oakleys and talks on his Bluetooth headset loud enough to crack the windows, using phrases like “dude, we’ll hook up later” and “see you there, bro” and “dude bro chill bro bro chill bro”. A step above him is the guy who drives by in his jacked-up, belch-smoking Chevy pickup and yells “FUCK YOU” at a wilderness preservation group meeting. Several notches above him is Blagojevitch, who basically did a bunch of completely illegal stuff and then told everyone he wasn’t doing anything illegal, then asked them to look around and find out for themselves. That’s like a coke dealer with his pockets full of white gold going up to a slightly suspicious cop and saying “Dude, I’m not carrying drugs, I swear. Check my pockets.” But the new reigning champ of jackassery, narrowly edging out Carlos Mencia, is the guy in this MSNBC headline right here:

What the fuck, man? Why? Like…seriously? First of all, only the most douche-tastic of douchetasms would choose to rip off something that’s really cheap in the first place. But this dickwad decided to take it a step further and rip off cheap stuff from children. “It makes you feel really mad” said Silvia Swanson, the seven-year-old that the mystery asswipe handed fake money to. All the Girl Scouts in the area now carry counterfeit pens to protect against additional fraud. When asked what she’d do if it happened again, Silvia said, “I’d call the cops, that’s what I’d do – call the cops.” I know what I’d do. Have a big dude at every table that’s selling cookies and as soon as that pen mark comes up black, punch the guy in the fucking face. Oh, that’s an overreaction, you say, maybe he’s hard on his luck and needed the nourishment. Here’s a series of points for all you people that see the good in everyone.

1) Counterfeiting is expensive. He’s clearly not poor.

2) This happened in Seattle, not an area renowned for its poverty.

3) Over $120 in fake bills was found. That’s 24 boxes of cookies. Lay off the Thin Mints, you fat fuck.

4) It’s the motherfucking Girl Scouts. If you have fake money and want to rip someone off, do it at Safeway. Rip off 7-11. Steal from Costco or something. Stealing cookies from elementary schoolers is one of the most evil deeds it is possible to commit in this world, along with kicking puppies, stealing babies and changing lanes without signaling.

I know, maybe he was using the bills secondhand and he didn’t actually forge them himself. Here’s the thing. That seven-year old that I quoted earlier? She’s the one who noticed that some of their 20s weren’t quite right and took them in to a bank herself to check. She’s fucking 7. If you can’t recognize a forgery that a seven-year-old could find, you should just get a debit card.

Reading this story is more depressing and angering to me than any headline about an IED in Iraq or another family put out of their home. And now I’m sweating.

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