THE HORRIFYING IMPLICATIONS OF CHILDHOOD NUTRITION

I’m going to show you an advertisement that’s been on TV a lot recently.  If you watch TV, you’ve probably seen it.  What you didn’t see are its terrifying implications.  Here’s the ad.


Seems fairly innocent, right?  You even get that fun imagery of the donut with the hole in it at the end.  Now that was good for some gentle, Family-Circus-style chuckles.

But wait.  Let’s dig deeper.

First of all, when one parent asks another “what’s Britney been doing?” she’s not talking about what kind of nutritional smoothie your child has been enjoying.  She’s talking about class, hobbies, friends, and all the other inane bullshit that people with kids care about.  But it gets worse.

Remember Tyler?  The kid who has literally become french fries?  This is a universe in which the phrase “kids are what they eat,” so casually uttered here, is actually true.  That’s why Tyler is french fries (and the container they come in, because apparently Tyler is special) and that poor goalie is a donut.

But did you notice how no one else looks like food?  Mom doesn’t look like broccoli or salmon or a carrot.  In fact, Tyler and the goalie are the only people who look like food.  So if we extend the logic of “kids are what they eat” just a little bit further …

Everyone in this commercial is a cannibal.

Literally every other person on camera must be eating other human beings in their spare time, and that’s why they still look like them.  But wait.  What about Britney?  We just saw her drinking Pediasure Sidekicks earlier in the commercial, and yet she doesn’t look like a giant Pediasure Sidekicks bottle.  That can only mean one thing:

Pediasure Sidekicks … is people.

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4 thoughts on “THE HORRIFYING IMPLICATIONS OF CHILDHOOD NUTRITION

  1. Anonymous says:

    Your brain is crazy… I love it.

  2. Donatas says:

    Your blog is awesome!

  3. Nopity nope nope says:

    heh its the next step in Soylent Green’s new drink line.

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