THINK JESUS PREACHED LOVE? THINK AGAIN.
I want to start with a word. It’s a simple word; it’s only four letters long and not at all difficult to pronounce. It’s anatomical in origin, it’s almost 800…
NO MEANS NO, EVEN IF YOU’RE JUSTIN BIEBER
“Baby” by Justin Bieber is the most watched video on Youtube. It’s been seen close to 700 million times for a collective watching time that would make you sad, so…
ATTENTION FACEBOOK VIGILANTES: SHUT THE FUCK UP
Recently a friend of mine posted this on his Facebook wall. All I did was blank out the names. “Wow,” I thought to myself, “those are both perfectly reasonable reactions…
THE SEEDS OF JESUS. IN YOUR MOUTH.
I would like you to look at this product and tell me what it looks like to you. Ready? Did you say that it’s candy corn? You silly, irreverent, blasphemous…
IN WHICH SOMEONE GETS VERY UPSET OVER A CHOCOLATE PENIS
This is Elizabeth McClure. She is approximately as little fun to be around as a person can be. Now I haven’t met Elizabeth, so I’m just guessing, but here’s why.…
IN WHICH I RUIN A CHILDHOOD FANTASY OF YOURS. ON PURPOSE.
Remember when you were a little boy, killing small animals with knives and building fortresses out of dirt and sticks? Girls (55 percent of my audience), you can ignore this…
CELL PHONES DO NOT CAUSE CANCER. STILL. REALLY.
Listen, kids. Normally I try to come up with some kind of pithy title for my posts, often including a pun or a lot of swear words because I’m pissed…
PETA: PURVEYORS OF EXCESSIVE TITS AND ASSES
You remember PETA, yes? They’re the subjects of probably the angriest two posts I’ve written in almost two years of running this blog. I called them the most vicious hypocrisy…
NUMBER ONE THREAT TO AMERICA: MORE COFFEE
Earlier this month, Starbucks released the Trenta in stores across the country. The Trenta is a 31-ounce cup of coffee, only for use in their iced drinks. They’ve been testing…
A PERFECT STORM OF WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT
I’ve written about alternative medicine before. A lot. I wrote about Valkee, which is stupid, laser baldness treatment, which is stupid, and homeopathy, which is stupid. I’m pretty sure I’ve…
TWENTY UNINTENTIONALLY SEXUAL CHURCH SIGNS
I have a theory, partially grounded in fact. First, the fact: pastors don’t get laid. Religious attitudes toward sex vary, but they are inevitably prudish and ignorant. Some sects of…
THE TWO MOST HORRIFYING PIECES OF TECHNOLOGY EVER CREATED
Japan has a problem. And I’m not referring to their propensity for putting literally anything in vending machines, or their seemingly endless supply of anime tentacle rape porn (click here…
THREE PRODUCTS TO ANNOUNCE TO THE WORLD THAT YOU’VE GIVEN UP
You’re getting older. Gone are the gallivanting days of being single, the one night stands, the keg stands, the ability to take 15 shots in a night and still function…
JESUS DID NOT MANIFEST HIMSELF IN A TREE BRANCH. STOP IT.
Perhaps you’ve heard of pareidolia. It’s a phenomenon wherein we see patterns and faces in places they’re not in. It’s the reason that when you look at that image…
THIS ISN’T ROCKET SURGERY
First things first. This story came from Inhabitat. Based on the vast majority of my previous experience with Inhabitat, we can immediately assume that they don’t know what the fuck…
Unreasonably Dangerous Onion Rings 