Facebook is huge. If it was a country, it’d be the third largest in the world. Third. Like holy fuck.
50% of its users log on at least daily, and more than 60 million status updates are posted every day. A while back, Pages were introduced and with them the idea of “fans,” a sort of one-way friend status, and now there are 5.3 billion fans of . . . things. Couple that with the increased number of mindless tweens on Facebook, and there are some astoundingly stupid groups with brain-melting numbers of fans. I spent about 15 minutes browsing, so you don’t have to, and found these (they all exist):
Wall sample: Two polls for Edward vs. Jacob and one poll entitled: “The Hangover? Or Step Brothers?” with only two options to choose from: “yes” and “no”
Redeeming Features: Uses a photo of Andy Samberg high-fiving a bobcat. He’s too cool for this.
Verdict: Created and abandoned, like Luke Skywalker as an infant.
Fans: 2.49 million
Wall Sample: “dark >=[” written at 8 PM. Score.
Redeeming Features: None. The whole wall is just links to other pages like “Old people are so cute”
Verdict: Being a fan of hating an intractable natural process is stupid. Move to Venezuela.
Fans: 189 thousand
I Hate It When Parents Get Serious About Something Funny You Tell Them
Wall Sample: “I said justin eiber is gay and then my mom flipped out and said ‘you know tons of people that are gay ect….’ then when she turned the radio back on the song was over. and i said ‘YES! YES! YES! because i friggin hate gaystin beiber” – Kandy Katastrophe Gibler
Redeeming Features: A girl named Erica who prowls the page mocking the living shit out of people that start discussions like “i hate it when skool teaches you stuff u dont need in real life”
Verdict: A veritable who’s who of ironically stupid people.
Fans: 694 thousand
Wall Sample: “At exactly 11:59PM tonight, I’m gonna set my microwave to one minute so he can celebrate the beginning of a new year with all of us using his BEEPS of death. HAPPY NEW DECADE ERRRBODY!!!” – Admin
Redeeming Features: The admin is fucking hilarious and can spell. He uses phrases like “calm your post-menopausal vaginas” and writes freestyle raps about microwaves.
Verdict: I like this one, actually. The guy who started it is funny and has so far stuck with it. Win.
Fans: 1.19 million
Wall Sample: (In response to an admin post reading “Twilight sucks”) WHAT?!?!?!?!?! HAVE YOU GONE INSANE?!?!?!?!?! TWILIGHT IS THE BEST BOOK/MOVIE EVER!!!!!!!! WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?!?!?!!? YOU JUST LOST A FAN OF THIS PAGE FOR THAT!!!!!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!?!?!?!?!!? – Laura Faith Keller
Redeeming Features: None. I only put this on on here because of the Twilight thing.
Verdict: If no one laughs, it wasn’t funny. Simple.
Fans: 535 thousand
If 1 Million People Join World will not end in 2012
Technically that’s true, but…I’m going to let you mull this one over for yourself…
Wall Sample: “GUM GUM GUM GUM GUM CHEW CHEW CHEW CHEW ……spit…ANOTHER PIECE CHEW CHEW CHEW CHEW …….spit…….AND REPEAT” – Admin
Redeeming Features: Umm…at least it’s an active group…?
Verdict: A page with the population of Houston, describing itself as “not for those who nag for gum everyday it’s for those who get denied occasionally when they don’t have gum on them.” That’s 23 times as many people as voted for Nader in 2000. Apparently this is a serious problem.
Fans: 2.31 million
Randomely laughing because you remembered something funny.
“Randomly” is misspelled, there is not a single wall post and it has 3,642,264 fans. Unbelievable.
Wall Sample: “I didnt know so much ppl were gonna join” – Admin
Redeeming Features: Crushing irony.
Verdict: There are 13 grammatical errors in the title alone. Maybe you should study.
Fans: 897 thousand
The guy who discovered milk, what was he doing with the cow?
Wall Sample: “he was probbaly sexually malestering the thing” – James Lawson
Redeeming Features: Someone has actually pointed out what the guy was doing when he discovered milk. He’s entirely drowned out by “eew” comments, but it’s there.
Verdict: He was watching a calf. How can you be a fan of a question anyway? Doesn’t make sense.
Fans: 428 thousand
Wall Sample: No. Literally the entire wall is Edward vs. Jacob polls. I wouldn’t do that to you.
Redeeming Features: Not a goddamned one.
Verdict: Do your fucking homework next time.
Fans: 324 thousand
SAINTS WON THE SUPERBOWL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It already happened.
Wall Sample: It’s all bad.
Redeeming Features: The page’s profile picture is kind of cool.
Verdict: Being bitter over rock, paper, scissors is possibly the pettiest thing anyone’s ever been bitter over. I picked this one mainly because I was in awe at the word “urseself.”
Fans: 1.92 million
Wall Sample: Almost every word on this page is misspelled. Examples: exited (excited), startt, whoss, thee, watchingg, gramy’s, heelloo, greatt.
Redeeming Features: Someone posted a picture of the proper usage of “you’re”.
Verdict: Another group about “I hate it when…” with no examples. They baffle me.
Fans: 1.16 million
I’m sure there are worse pages out there, but I lost faith in the future of our species and had to stop. The whole purpose of this post was to act as a sort of gallery to which you can contrast other stupidity in your life, please for the love of all that is good and decent don’t try to find these on your own. Your IQ will thank me.